*Texting* “Yeah sorry I’ve just got something very important to do. You go without me.”
*Pan out to me laying on the bed with a pan of brownies*
You Might Also Like
Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.
convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”
My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.
[Outside liquor store]
Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?
Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.
[dinner]
SIS: I made $1M last year. Please pass the peas
BRO. Same. Please pass a roll
ME: I have $1.23 in my shoe. Please pass the cyanide
[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.
When I walk for a short period each day in the woods, if I pass someone a few yards away I make a point in speaking and smiling at them. That ensures they move on quickly.
I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.
one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain
I tried to cover myself in plastic wrap as a sexy surprise, but we were out and this aluminum foil is getting itchy…
*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.
[God making peaches]
ANGEL: we already have nectarines
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them
ANGEL: what
GOD: what
[heaven’s IT department]
Ok, I see why your computer’s crashing. Have you been closing doors again?
God: Yes, why?
Too many open windows
It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.
If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.
Bouncer: ID please
Me: I got socks for Christmas
Bouncer: …okay
Me: and I’m genuinely happy about it
Bouncer: so sorry come on in
Bing: It’s Dutch! This tweet is in Dutch! Let me translate it for you!
Me: no it isn’t, she just said “hahahaha”
Bing: come on give me a shot you won’t regret this
Me: fine i’ll click it
Bing (instantly): Could Not Translate
Me: I’m nervous for my date.
Friend: Just exaggerate to impress her
{during date}
Her: What’s something you’re proud of?
Me: I invented milk
That guy who narrates the true crime shows has the most soothing voice. He should be reading bedtime stories or something but instead he’s saying stuff like “Then he cut off her head and dumped her car in the river” all chill and mellow.
After my husband explained in detail what he does for work, my 6-year-old asked if he has fun at work so clearly he was not listening to a single thing my husband said.
You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.
“My favorite New Year’s resolution was to stop trying to reason with unreasonable people. This has reduced both my correspondence and my blood pressure.”
so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset
[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”
I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.
I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.