*Texting* “Yeah sorry I’ve just got something very important to do. You go without me.”
*Pan out to me laying on the bed with a pan of brownies*
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Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this
[Carnac the Magnificent]
Donald Trump
Hannibal Lector
Liver and fava beans*opens envelope*
“Name a winner, a skinner, and a dinner”
[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up
“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.
Watched Gladiator again and imagined characters engaging in mundane conversations:
Maximus: ‘Are you going to the Colosseum tonight?’
Juba: ‘Nah, got laundry to do. Can’t wear bloodstained armor all the time, you know.’
*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.
DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed
ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work
YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are
5YO: Daddy, did you play Roblox as a kid?
8YO: *Interrupting* He didn’t have Roblox when he was kid. He would just play outside.
*Both start laughing*
Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels
me: i’ve committed adultery. i’ve been doing a lot of adulting.
therapist: no.
Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?
Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?
Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
her: what’s your last name?
me: it’s French
her: that’s nice dear, but what is it?
me: no my last name is literally just French.
her: oh how fun, do you speak French?
me: idk do you speak Johnson, Barbara?
Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.
Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized
Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!
Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?
TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller
how do lawyers not cry when arguing
my kids wanted fruit instead of cinnamon rolls this am so now I’m left wondering what heinous tantrum is coming later to equal it all out
wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
it’s weird to me when people say their heroes are writers, actors or directors when there are people who say “well, goodnight” and go to bed in the middle of parties they’re hosting
When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?
If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on.
In related news, I just broke up with my mom
Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops
I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.