Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

For today’s Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.

ASSISTANT: so what dimensions do the doors, hinges, walls, and locks need to be so that it all fits?

GUY WHO INVENTED PUBLIC BATHROOM STALLS: can’t stress how unimportant that part is

every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it

Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.

Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.

when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…

(in starbucks) “i’ll take 450 lattes”

“thats $2,380”

(card declined) “DAMMIT just one then”

I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.

“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”

-guy who invented sports

Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company

Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.

I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.

Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.

My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa

I received a lovely Valentine’s Card from a secret admirer. I suspect it’s the one I sent to myself with my handwriting disguised, but it’s a nice thought on my part, and I appreciate it, although unfortunately I’m not really my type, so the relationship won’t go anywhere.

carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled

I remember the first time I saw a McDonald’s “Free refills on same visit only” sign on their soft drink fountain. Shaking my head, I thought, some people are so damn cheap, while grabbing as many napkins and ketchup packets as I could hold.

someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner

wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed that my toddler broke the yellow crayon and now I can’t color the duck on the kids menu] Nothing

The upside to wearing a mask at work is I can yawn in meetings and no one knows. The downside is I yawn so much I look like I’m crying

My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana

I was really getting my act together–eating right, exercising regularly, looking hot, feeling strong, and doing good work. Then I woke up.

My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?

Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.

there is no sex i lied you are gonna lay here and take personality quizzes w me

Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.

Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday

It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii