Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.

It’s interesting that the emojis show the earth from three angles 🌎 🌍 🌏 but not the fourth.

Though 🔵 is a fair approximation of what it would look like.

People underestimate the Pacific.

how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer

my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played

There were shockingly few machete murders at tennis camp.

Rob thank god you picked up! Hey remember when you said if I needed a place to crash I cou- hold on *to copilot* STOP CRYING, ROB WILL HELP

How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what

I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great

Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you

I wore red lipstick today and my 4 year old, while wearing his underpants inside out, boldly informed me that I look like the Joker

date: so what do you do?

me: *recalling how I deface every mesh window covering I see with Sharpie* I’m a screenwriter

Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.

The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.

[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.

So my wife discovered I keep writing “please help me” in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I’m not allowed to have checks.

feel like Nope sort of put the cgi animals question to bed forever lol. you really want a real life bear on set? for a scene where your lead actress is getting attacked by the bear?

There are only six months between Christmas and Easter which means Jesus was some kind of prodigy “super baby”. Most people don’t consider how much he accomplished in his short lifetime.

I’ve updated my will…

“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”

She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones

Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?

Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard

HIM: you promise you’re not an octopus?
ME: of course not silly
HIM: good. come in & meet my family
ME: *hugs all 4 of them at once*

To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:

Don’t
Be
On
Fire

Me: *stubs toe*
My voodoo doll: “Ouch! Jeez can’t that idiot get ANYTHING right?!”

Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet

Catwoman pushing Batman off a ledge

If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.

Saw a Police Officer standing right in the middle of the road, in front of traffic, with his hand up, but when I go in for the high 5 suddenly I’m the idiot.

MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi

I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.