Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.
What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.
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I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
It’s because it’s Bring Your Daughter To Work Day, sweetie. That’s why. What Papa is doing right now is called an “autopsy”. Stop crying.
Parenting is a lot like a home improvement project. Right after the “This isn’t so bad” phase comes the “I should call someone who knows what they’re doing” phase.
I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.
Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
I just literally fell INSIDE a public toilet because I did too many squats earlier and couldn’t control my sitting down. This is the greatest proof I’ve ever had that fitness is not worth the struggle.
Holy shit he’s back
Just watched a squirrel bury a nut. Most entertaining goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. Made Star Wars look like absolute hog shit
People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
(Electricians.)
I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.
My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are
Me:”The store didn’t have any bread so I brought flour”
Wife:”If they didn’t have butter would you buy a cow”
*sound of hooves in kitchen*
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol
Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.
I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.
me: I was busted by the cops
friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?
I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.
Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.
her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?
me: he’s my life coach
her: you wanna go to olive garden?
*duck whispers in my ear*
me: that’s a yes
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
if you get famous on youtube you get ad money. if you get famous on twitch you get donations. if you get famous on instagram you get sponsors. if you get famous on twitter you get your tweets crossposted to every other social media with your @ cropped out
My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.
Those orcas won’t leave my driveway.
Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue
favorite tropes as memes