[Texting]
FRIEND: Hey, sorry I didn’t respond yesterday, just saw your text!ME: *Does not know a single person who is ever more than 6 feet from their phone* Haha, no worries, it happens!
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If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense
From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”
The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.
When boxes arrive from Amazon I just tell my husband they’re Christmas presents for him and he doesn’t ask questions.
I should probably buy him something soon.
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
My niece asked me what it’s like to be an uncle, so we got a feral cat from a shelter, chased it around for a bit, then took it back.
I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.
If it comes down to me and a plate of fried food, there will only be one victor. And that victor will be slightly nauseous and have the meat sweats.
I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.
*gets so drunk I grab a fish out of your fish tank and shakes it at you screaming “WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS?!” *
Until my 30s I ate the whole Apple, core and all. When people looked surprised, I told them it was healthy; the ‘whole food’. Then my Mum admitted she’d taught me that so I didn’t leave rotting apple cores in the back seat of the car.
*stares at phone*
why cant i sleep
*puts phone face-up on bed, the screen brigtness bathes my room in a light mor powerfubl than the sun*
oh
Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”
DATING COACH: So you tried flirting?
ME: Sure, I gave her ‘the look’
DATING COACH: Show me
*I bite my lip seductively*
DATING COACH: Have you considered biting the bottom lip?
him: what are you thinking about rn
me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack
Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating
Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.
Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.
*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.
I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.
Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
“You said, and I quote, ‘Make me a bowl of food.’”
“This is why no one likes you, Jeff.”
Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no
Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on