Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Looks at the shower

At least YOU get turned on when I’m naked

Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?

Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-

Him: *running away*

Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!

Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You pulled me over?
Cop:
Me: I just stopped here cuz I thought of a tweet.

Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: Of course
W: Oh yeah, what did I say?
M: [smoke bomb]
W: I can still see you
M: [Another smoke bomb]

Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.

If I’ve ever had a crush on you, it means I’ve daydreamed about our first fight, our wedding, named our future dog, and retained a divorce lawyer.

Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.

Me: one pill pls

Pill Bottle: 37

Me: no just one pls

Pill Bottle: 37

Me: pls only one pi-

Pill Bottle: SILICA PACKET lmao

I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.

9yo niece: *eyeing my engagement ring with suspicion* THAT doesn’t look like a real diamond to me

me: *eyeing my husband with suspicion*

Nothing makes me get up faster than my 6yo walking by me with a bottle of Elmer’s glue.

If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge

I can’t grow flowers for shit but my old neglected potatoes in a grocery bag in the basement just grew legs and marched up here

Just saw a tiktok of a family introducing their newborn to their cat and after it smelled the baby it went to another room and threw up LMFAO

Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.

Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever

My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.

Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.

I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?

I’ll never forget my 8th grade teacher. She was a 12-foot snake monster. Had 4 heads. Ate 7 desks. Killed a kid. Really made an impression.

My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.

I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.

Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff

I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.

disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great

Going to change my wifi network name to…

Someone Please Help Me

And give this neighborhood something to talk about.

My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.

My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart

Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…