Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.

Not to brag, but I’m NOT going to buy a fitness machine, like a Peloton, only to have it turn into a clothing rack.

I’m going to eat until I reach the point where I, myself, am the large, stationary clothing rack in the corner of a room.

[harry potter at work]

Colleague: when you were in school you killed a giant snake thing, right?

Harry: a basilisk, yes

Colleague: can’t even edit a google doc though, yikes *sips coffee*

Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash.

[Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]

doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week

me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one

As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left

Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.

I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make

My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.

I’m sorry.

I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.

Just gonna catch up and tackle him.

[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married

What if all those PhDs stop just defending and actually start attacking?!?

Me: My sex life is like your car.

Friend: What? Sleek, performance-inspired, 6-speed, classic & acclaimed?

Me: Nope. Electric powered.

Making an appointment for your kid before school starts is either “we had a last minute cancellation for tomorrow at 4:45AM” or “We can see you under the next harvest moon in Ocvembril 2075. Make sure to arrive 15 minutes early or you’ll be charged for a missed appointment.”

Interviewer: It says in your CV that you are quick at maths. What is 23 x 39?

Me: 69.

Interviewer: That’s not even close.

Me: No, but it was quick, isn’t it?

*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?

A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.

“All you have left is your king and one knight,” sneers my grandmaster chess opponent. Suddenly a little hatch opens in my knight and thousands of tiny Greek soldiers swarm out.

“Whatcha inventing?”
“I call it a picnic. It’s a meal but outside with bugs and a high risk of bear attack.”
“Can I bring my kids?”
“Sure.”

I got invited to an acquaintance’s baby shower, I thought I bought teeth rings, I bought this woman’s baby a freaking dog toy. 🙃

5 year old son: I want to be a boxer.

Me: I think you’re too cute to be a boxer.

5: Yes, that is what everybody will think.

Was bored so Applied for a dentist job at some clinic. I have an interview this week😭
I HAVE NEVER BEEN TO MED SCHOOL😭

You can’t stop your dogs from barking by yelling at them. They’re just like hell yes we’re all yelling now let’s all keep yelling this is great

It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.

Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.

Me: This relationship feels very transactional.

Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??

me: *applies to cult*

cult: no thx

Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.

3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.

It’s hard to walk away seductively in flip-flops.

Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.