Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

writer: it’s based on a book

movie producer: ok

writer: about a boy who lived

producer: *yawns* boring. all boys live. can u leave

writer: *starts walking* ok but there’s a grumpy wizard hat

producer: wait

Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me

Imagine how tall this baby will be when it’s fully grown.

Accidentally punched myself in the face as I was getting dressed this morning, and I have to say, I deserved it.

Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.

My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.

Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.

ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask

CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine

Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.

Parents these days take their kids to the E.R for scraped knees and paper cuts..

When I was 11 I died and my mom told me to walk it off

*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
“Wow, push-ups?”
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.

A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”

If your opponent cracks his knuckles before a fight, have comfort knowing that osteoarthritis will, in due time, avenge your savage beating.

I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.

I like how people say “travel safely” like I’m the one flying the plane.

I hate when people text me: “Call me.”
I’m gonna start calling people and when they answer, I’m gonna say: “Text me” And then hang up.

My wife left me for my best friend.

Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.

Yes, I’ll fight for the last samble of cheese. We all fought for our ”right to party”, remember? The bar is low

Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker

My time has come.

Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion

“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.

Dentists will turn to their nurses and say
‘A24 – fatal traumatic root eruption’
and then turn to you like ‘all healthy 👍’

My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.

Sometimes I will do a very simple self-care thing like putting lotion on my hands before bed and be like “that was so easy, I will do this every day” and then forget that I even have hands for the next 6 years.

Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.

Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t

waiter: have a good day

me: love you too

” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.

Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “

Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.