Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[1st date]

*ok don’t let her know you’re a manatee*

Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?

“Sir, do you mean matinee?”

Dammit

Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?

Everyone…

i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.

HOW TO ROB A BANK: (1) Walk in and start talking about your study abroad experience. (2) Everyone’s asleep now. Grab the money.

Me: I like to look on the bright side. It’s a beautiful sunny day, I was getting tired of that room, I always enjoy seeing professionals at work and I finally tried a cigarette only to confirm my belief I wouldn’t care for them. Nice to know! Well, please continue.

Firing Squad:

My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed

i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.

Hagrid: you’re a gizzard Harry

Harry: i’m a what

Hagrid: a blizzard

Harry: a what

Hagrid: a scissors

Harry: what

Hagrid [in tears, trying so hard]: a squidward

Dis earing letters?

There’s an ‘app’ for that.

I’m going to the gym now.

Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.

“Have you considered living on campus?” I ask.

“For a school that’s 30 minutes away? That’s crazy.” My 17 year old answers.

I eat my chili from a small ice cream bowl with an oversized serving spoon (because all of our dishes are in his room) as I stare sadly out the window.

I still don’t understand why my boss didn’t like my idea of playing musical chairs at our next Monday meeting. He asked us for new ideas.

Neighbor: Little early for Halloween isn’t it?

Me: *removing a skeleton from my trunk* What’s a “Halloween?”

I read this article that said your heartbeat will try to synch up with your music, which makes it sound like if someone’s suffering a cardiac arrest you could just put on some death metal and crank it

My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.

Me: Excel, could you copy paste values pls

Excel: (smoking cigarette and eating Doritos) yeah I can do it but it’s gonna take like 10 minutes

Me: why

Excel: (eating three chips at once) because I don’t like you

getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib

Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…

It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.

When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time

you watch a movie then have to go to work the next day doesn’t seem right

Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?

“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant

When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.

– Hand held pencil sharpener

I talk in my sleep according to my phone bill.

Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.

Diet, Day 14:

I hate everyone. My children are scared of me & I’ve repelled everyone else.

But I’m starting to really like pears.

I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her

If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die

Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning

Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*

Me: I hate you