Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.

cow: I hate when you boss me around

farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?

cow: you herd me

My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.

Still thinking about the woman on the train I once saw wearing a lanyard that said “Sarah Hunter” and wondering how many Sarahs have died at her hands.

I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair

Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.

[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten

[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating

When my niece told me she knew Santa didn’t exist, I panicked and told her I never lied, it’s just he’d recently died from Coronavirus. Totally saved it.

Not my mom telling me she still talk to my ex because I still talk to her ex… Mam that’s my DAD

pls suprot

I’m no body language specialist but I would interpret Gary Busey’s smile as saying, “I may or may not have eaten your parakeet.”

Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.

my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry

2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.

*Babysitting my 7 year old nephew*

My sister: And don’t let him eat too much junk food. And don’t let him talk to strangers. And don’t let him stay up too late watching scary movies.

My nephew: Ok i’ll try.

Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?

6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God

MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.

Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?

Rick Astley: *tearing up*

Me: oh no

Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…

Be the one that gets asked to remove the hockey mask, during a conference call, on Friday the 13th.

It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.

Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.

Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.

[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s

Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder

I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.

Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.

If you’ve ever referred to yourself as a “diva” there is a 100% chance at least one person you know has fantasized about murdering you.

My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.

Calling someone a “tough cookie” is not a compliment, tough cookies are literally the worst cookies