Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*

who wants to go expliring

I’ve never held a baby before
“It’ll be fine”
*I accidentally put the baby in a box and mail it to North Korea*

An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.

Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.

Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495

It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.

I know i asked for constructive criticism, but what I actually wanted was for you to tell me I’m extremely hilarious, and also handsome. Sorry if that was unclear.

Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze

me, to my wife: calm down and smile more

Stockbroker: *rubbing bridge of nose* that’s not what I meant by ‘take risks’

House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!

In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.

“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you

I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story

Me: *grins* Couldn’t help but notice you checking me out.
Girl: Yeah, I’m a cashier at a grocery store. That’s my job.

Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.

“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches

mentally somewhere in italy

I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.

WIFE: He wanted me to lay these coins over his eyes at his funeral

FRIEND: Seems like a waste of chocolate

[doctor’s office]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality

*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.

Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.

Amazon Tracking:

1. We’re not sure it exists.

2. Your package has arrived.

Why do people say “get well soon”?

Why don’t you want me to get well now?

Thank you 🥹

My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.

[proposing to my Karate gf]

Me: So, will you marry me?

Her: I’m not sure….

Me: Dojo breakin’ my heart, LOL

Her: Now I’m sure it’s a no.

What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?

(more comics: