Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just choked on a apple…

Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..

If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore

Overheard in hair salon: “I have LITERALLY no shorts. Like I seriously have only 4 or 5 pairs of shorts.”

This is why I can’t stand people.

*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.

it isnt your fault that you are unhappy and unsuccessful. in my 6 week online course i will teach you the true reason why your life is bad: a witch cursed you with “misery orb” at birth. i will show you how to locate and extract the orb from your brain using household items

Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!

Australia: no need to, we’re good

band: THANKS FOR COMING OUT ANY LAST REQUESTS
crowd: [shouting songs]
me: HAVE U SEEN MY KEYS

I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”

My 8 year-old desperately wants to be a teacher when she grows up and loves pretending she’s a teacher around the house. Today I found her eating a cupcake in the kitchen and when I asked her who said that was OK she replied, “it’s teacher appreciation day”

They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”

Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?

Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.

Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.

If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.

Will you marry me?
‘Is a marriage proposal’

Will, you, Mary, me?
‘A foursome inquiry’

The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.

[breakup]
Who should get the cat?
“I don’t know…let’s see who he loves the most”
{3 weeks later}
Can you tell?
“Nope”

Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.

Fun times

Sorry for the delay in texting you back. My internet is slow and it takes a week to arrive at your location

me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]

clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.

me: what’s halloween.

I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume

There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.

Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.

Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.

Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card

According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.

[1st date]

waiter: can I bring you anything?

her: maybe some Worcestersh–

me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–

her: and the check

2013: why would anyone care what the losers on reddit think

2023: the losers on reddit are the last remaining source on the internet for reviews of products and services that aren’t paid for or some kind of scam

Wife: *Gives me her password to log into one of her accounts*

Me: Nice work with picking a random password.

Wife: It’s our anniversary.

we’ve all got that one homie who is taking poison damage over time who’s always like “gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh.”