Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.

I’m not afraid to double-text, it makes me feel like a Victorian gentleman gently throwing stones at a window to draw a lady out of her chambers

[searching for a new church]

Me: *calls* Yes, does your church offer complimentary WiFi, red wine and light appetizers?

Church: *click*

it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey

corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them

My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”

How much more of this can I take?

* piles food on buffet plate *

I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.

My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.

me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower

me, in shower: *jumping*

police: what are your names?
caspar: don’t tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…

One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.

A love story

me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving

My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up

[ asteroid approaching earth ]

me: *slapping baseball mitt*

“Doctor: Put the IV in.
Nurse: The 4 what?”
– chronic problem in Roman emergency rooms

*girl calls me daddy*
*hammer appears in my hand*
“oh no”
*I start building a deck*
“what have you done”
*grill turns itself on*

Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team

Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters

Full moons and eclipses are best captured with either a fancy lens or high quality mushrooms.

Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…

A short story of betrayal:

Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes

Oh eggs, through yonder window break. For I am the olive oil, and Juliet is the vinegar. Salt to taste. Blend to desired thickness

– Romayo and Juliet

*seductively eats two tums*

Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”

You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .

me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .

[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?

Friend: yeah sure!

Me: *starts beatboxing*

My child will plan a thousand activities for after school then come home and sit in her pants watching cartoons for hours instead so I guess the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree

@Mister_Gravity @OwensDamien @funTweeters Sssshhhhh, they haven’t noticed thus far, don’t screw it up for everyone…