*Texting*
HIM: Do you have any snacks?
ME: In my panty.
H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”
M: Nope.
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Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.
I often wonder who Pete is…
and why we do things for his sake…
“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women
I keep waiting for my Cadbury Creme Eggs to hatch into Cadbury Creme Chickens, but no luck so far. And sitting on them certainly didn’t help
People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.
Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.
I saw my neighbor standing out in his yard, he was dressed in camouflage. Someone should probably let him know his camouflage is broken.
you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
I have a “baby on board” sticker on my car. No baby right now, I just want people to know I’m a sore loser
70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
[last day at job]
“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”
[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]
“Not you tho Phil”
“This is precisely the time when artists go to work. There is no time for despair, no place for self-pity, no need for silence, no room for fear. We speak, we write, we do language. That is how civilizations heal” – Toni Morrison
Before therapy: I hate people
After therapy: I hate therapists
You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.
forrest gump (1994): this film gave me very unrealistic expectations of what my life would be like as a huge idiot. 2/10
[preparing for a date]
me: what if she kisses me
roommate: you kiss her back, bro
me: ok
me: *thinking* but why her back though
police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes
i’m sorry i didn’t text you back i’m really busy watching the wolf of wall street in the form of two minute clips on tik tok
Her: I wish you would surprise me sometimes.
Me: *shedding my human skin to reveal I am actually Nergal, Mesopotamian God of death*
Her: No, not like that.
I don’t sign anything if they don’t give me time to pretend to read it first.
I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still
He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts
him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
[first day as hostage negotiater]
me: [taking the phone] yyyyyelllo
[loud explosion from inside the bank]
Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!
Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.