Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the livingroom. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.

The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.

I need bail money.

every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun

A guy at the bar wanted to watch a different college football game than what was on TV and the bartender told him he couldn’t change the channel because he couldn’t find the remote. I said, yeah the remote’s important, it’s a real game changer and that’s when I was asked to leave

I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone

Date: So what do you do?

Me: I’m a script editor.

Me: Are you any good?

Me: No.

Me: they call me Fred Flintstone

Her: *annoyed* because you can make my bed rock?

Me: because you’re gonna turn me down and I’ll have to yabba dabba do it myself

ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts

hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep

[gym]

Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual

“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”

Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell

All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?

I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.

ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication

When one happens upon a small spoon, the proper response is to become the big spoon. It is simply what one does at times like this. I am however sorry for having disturbed your crime scene, officer. I’ll see myself out.

ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics

[astronaut test]
Before you begin, questions?
[hand raised]
“Is it true the moon is cheese?”
Are you that damn mouse again?
[mouse runs out]

︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎

It’s that simple 👊🏻

Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]

The perennially hyped name “Super Moon” insults the legacy of Superman, Super Volcanoes, Supernovae, and even Super Mario.

I downloaded a Canadian true crime podcast and the first episode was about a guy who ordered a dozen doughnuts at Tim Hortons, but he received 13 instead… And he didn’t tell anybody.

Me: I’m gonna go work on your car

Wife: *remembering the time I thought her car’s air conditioner was called the car brr ator* Please don’t

I asked when my gym membership was up and the dude said “day before Valentine’s Day” like I’m some genius who knows when Valentine’s Day is.

I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.

People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?

When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells

I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing

“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair