Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.

Delicious if literal: Gravy boat.

Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*

I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.

Gyms are open !

Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)

Interviewer: Are you a natural leader?
Me: *steps out of his office* Sweet Caroline…
Everyone: BOM BOM BOM
Interviewer: Damn you’re good.

Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet

Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!

Australia: no need to, we’re good

Niece: A have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames)

Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?

(Not sure what happened after that because I was laughing hysterically at what may be the best dad joke ever made.)

Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.

My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.

He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.

My 6yo fell over today because he was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street and I didn’t even see how he fell because I was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street

My kid—who potentially had an allergic reaction to shrimp last week—just got extremely worried that he couldn’t eat a favorite food anymore, and I got to be the one to share the good news that whipped cream does not normally contain shellfish.

Husband: *trying to thread a needle with far too thick string

Me: That’s not gonna fit, it’s way too big.

H: You’ve said that before, but I have a 7 year old who proves otherwise.

Me: *giggles

7: You guys are being weird again.

what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose

I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.

“You block people over politics?” I’ll block people if they say something too mean about a Muppet

Tween and me: *arguing*

Husband: God, you two are just like each other.

Tween and me: WHAT’D YOU SAY?

Husband: *jumps out window*

Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.

My husband just got all pissy because I put the empty glass “he was still using” in the dishwasher, and this is my villain origin story.

Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.

Unless your wife finds out.

I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope

Putting up my, “Hell yeah you can trespass, I love when people do that,” sign.

me: sorry if I’m bothering you

surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that

Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.

Has there ever been a more American story?

FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!

I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.