[Texting]
Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?
Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing
Him: That’s hot
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I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).
Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.
Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
HUMAN BEING: You won’t touch the salad I made, but you just ate 2 stray cats and a whole koi pond! I thought you said you were vegan!
ALIEN, from planet Vega 3: Yes, that’s right.
It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.
instagram: look at my new boyfriend
twitter: I can’t get a boyfriend
reddit: my [21F] boyfriend [53M] boyfriend forbids me from going into the basement and has a sock drawer full of missing women’s driver’s licenses, AITA for being uncomfortable? the wedding is in three hours
I used to be scared upon waking in the middle of the night, but after raising two babies and seeing all hours of the clock, I’ve learned that the only thing that is truly frightening is hearing the word “Mom” whisper-screamed into my ear.
My wife says the kids look just like their father…
…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do
In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.
In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!
In my 40s : uh oh
This anagram machine is out of order.
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself”
*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*
I’m a risk taker
What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?
If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂
My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
Social distancing in Australia:
In Canada they just call them geese
ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.
THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.
Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars
I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.
***BREAKING*** sneaky teens trying to buy booze severely misjudge their height – 300ft trenchcoat behemoth said to contain 57 people
“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.
In truth, spiders are harmless*
*Save for a few species whose venom reprograms your immune system to tell your body to eat its own organs.
You have to be careful about sending your spouse things on social media. You send too many things, next thing you know chores are being redistributed because of “all the free time you clearly have”
I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.