[Texting]
Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?
Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing
Him: That’s hot
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My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
Someone asked me how much I normally spend on a bottle of wine.
Answering “usually an hour” wasn’t the right answer. I know this now.
yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in
My 7yo learned that a seal in French is a “phoque” and like every Canadian child before her, she is enjoying this sweet swear loophole to its fullest
Best thing about dead batteries is they are free of charge!
God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT
Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*
DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all
DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad
My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license
You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.
God: *closes a door*
Kids: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
me: how much for the cow bras?
salesperson: those are gloves
My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.
Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house
Cashier: You just have to tap your credit card.
Me: *cautiously taps*
Cashier: Not against my forehead.
How to flirt:
1. Giggle
2. Apply lip gloss
3. Look down coyly
4. Realize you applied concealer
5. Fall off barstool
kool-aid man: you’re grounded
kool-aid son: I hate you!
kool-aid man: don’t you dare g–
kool-aid son: *uses door normally*
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘mnemonic’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses
before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule
Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.
I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.
[in bed]
BF: Why are you scared?
ME: Cuz your Mom’s here
BF: She’s not bad
*Mom hands me pregnancy test* This better be positive by sunrise
I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.
Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine
Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.