Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kid sat on the floor of a public restroom, so I had to throw him away and now I have to make a new one.

Parenting is hard, you guys.

I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.

Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.

Me: *finally finds the motivation to do a computer task that I’ve been procrastinating for months*

Laptop: TIME TO UPDATE LOSER

Remember when you bury a body in your backyard be sure to cover it with endangered plant or tree so they can’t dig it up. Follow me for more helpful tips 👍🏻

My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.

“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores

Wife: no bird puns this year at Thanksgiving

Me: fine but I get to do some now.

Wife: owl allow it.

Me: wait-what are you doing?

Wife: toucan play this game.

Me: I don’t like this.

Hot chick without makeup: her beauty is so effortless & carefree

Me without makeup: why is that very sick grandma not in a home

“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.

i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life

Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never!

[in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]

When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.

Her: I can’t believe you got us kicked out of my cousin’s wedding.

Me: They totally overreacted. People have been throwing rice at newlyweds for centuries!

Her: Pork fried rice??

What do you say to your sister when she’s crying?

Are you having a crisis?

Sometimes I worry that maybe I’ll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.

ME: I think I have coronavirus, every morning I wake up aching and sick. It usually goes away by the afternoon, but the next day same thing.
FRIEND: It’s a hangover. You’re drinking 2 bottles of wine a night in quarantine.
ME: My God… wine causes the coronavirus!

Fabio hasn’t aged a day

It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.

Even if it is no one’s birthday.

They don’t even check.

My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.

just got CPR certified if yall know anyone dead or dying tell them hml

I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.

Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.

Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.

My nickname in high school was “who?”

Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke

My favorite outdoor activity is looking for shade.

The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.

My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves

Me: Now watch this amazing parallel parking job…
Wife: *Eyes roll
Me: You can’t see it with your eyes up there

Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.