Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.

Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.

New-to-school parent: I haven’t heard that — was it in one of the school emails?

Experienced parent: Oh I don’t know, don’t read those. Heard it from Becky whose neighbor’s sister-in-law works in the school office on Thursday mornings.

May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.

[me being lowered into my grave]

the grave:
please input the SMS code we texted so we can make sure it’s you

[First Date]

Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.

Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.

Sensible dad: I’d like to buy 3 ‘fleeks’ & 7 ‘swags’ for my son.

“Sir this is Urban Outfitters”

Do you have any ‘baes’?

“Please leave”

I love being outside, just not when it’s too cold or too hot or too wet or too windy or if there are bugs

‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.

Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.

just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended

When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.

“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters

I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.

Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.

Quarantine day 6: Went to this restaurant called The Kitchen. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.

My first grader wants to go to a haunted house. Not a pretend one, a real one. “I want to fight a ghost,” were his exact words.

Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9

Cats love it when you give them a mohawk

How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this…

~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I’m running late.

I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags

I hate when people ask me what I meant by something. Listen, I have no idea. I’m as confused here as you are.
We’re both learning what I’m about to say at the exact same time.

Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.

Librarian: Nice try, pal.

don’t let me drive if ur gonna scream every time we almost die 🙄

*at a restaurant*

Don’t be awkward, don’t be awkward

Waitress: how’s the food?
Me: yes

Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.

“It started out with a Kiss, how did it end up like this?”- Me, after eating an entire bag of Hershey’s chocolate.

Read an interesting statistic this morning: ‘Over 73% of women are deeply unhappy with their sex life.’ I still have no idea how it got laminated and stuck on the fridge door at home though.

[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going

‘New year new me’ I whisper as I polish off a brick of cheese and pray that this year I’m not still lactose intolerant.