Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!

[Casino]

Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards

If you see a lady in her bikini chasing her hot tub lid on highway 6, I’m not on drugs and you should mind your own business or help me.

Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?

Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.

How to open new toy:

1. Cut tape with machete.

2. Take shot.

3. Undo 23,518 twist ties.

4. Take 3 shots.

5. Watch child play with box.

Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.

your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.

Me: *wakes up screaming*

Wife: What’s wrong?

Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again

Wife: Need some help?

Me: AHHH

I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.

Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.

if he likes you he will let you know. if he wants to talk to you, he’ll text. do nothing. you’re a beautiful object. pretend you’re a tree

Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.

An M&M.

In half.

An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.

I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful

I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do

You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …

But I won’t.

I bet the guy who invented pants wasn’t even wearing any pants when he invented them.

Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’

professor x: what’s your power?

me: i have super vision

professor x: oh?

mom: stop talking to strangers

I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.

Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project

WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today

ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school

Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.

If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.

[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows

MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh

Freddie Mercury, Venus Williams, and Bruno Mars walk into a bar.

They didn’t planet that way.

THIS SHIT HAS ME DEAD 😭

“just a suggestion :)” is the most passive aggressive aside of all time. here’s my cute little suggestion cloaked in invisible knives

So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”