[texting]
HotGirl: Help me ace the Periodic Table test tomorrow?
Nerd: Selenium Neodymium Neon Tungsten Darmstadtium
HG: ?
N: SeNd NeWDs
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Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
Boeing’s commercial spacecraft will be undergoing its final test flight tonight. Knock on wood, guys! But not too hard, it’s a Boeing
Chinese military tactics are pure genius.
a whale has no legs and can still jump higher than you
CHRISTMAS INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Buy presents.
2) Pretend you could afford it
3) Pray the apocalypse arrives before your credit card bill does.
I like the concept of restaurant appetizers: “Bring me something to eat. And bring me something else to eat while I’m waiting.”
If you get to travel back in time please tell little kid me I own both a machete and a flamethrower now and leave out the part where they’re for yardwork
[stabucks]
barista: can i get a name?me: sure. you look like a Tiffany
barista: no i mean a name for the order
me: oh! we’ll call this “coffee from Tiffany”
Ways to get me naked:
1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist
Server: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have olives.
Me: I think there has been a misunderstanding. The name of this establishment implies there would be olives in droves. An incomprehensible abundance.
Server: I’m sure you’ll enjoy our pasta selectio-
Me: Is this even a garden??
My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
[ first day as a bartender ]
*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*
*Tiptoes up behind a burglar robbing our house and sneaks 10 of my kids’ stuffed animals into his bag*
Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”
Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.
I HATE when people use song lyrics as their status! It makes. me wanna SHOUT! Kick my heels back and SHOUT! Throw my arms up and SHOUT..Etc.
I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.
Imagine Dragons.
No. Dragoner.
This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.
sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa
Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe
feb 14: i love everything about u
feb 15: don’t breathe like that
I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.
So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.
Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.
Now hold it.
Hold it…
Hold it….
Hold it…
Keep holding it…
Die.
FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?
ME: Nah, just one at a time
when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology
Buying a bag of spinach is ignoring it for four days and then having to put 2 fistfuls into everything to use it before it goes bad
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years
a perfect interaction just happened: a man at a bar came up to me and my friends and asked what we all did and I said I was a journalist and he said “oh like in spiderman”