[texting]
Me: I keep seeing “tl;dr” and I’ve asked a bunch of people what it means but nobody will answer me. Do you know?
Her: too long, didn’t read
Me: oh ffs you too?
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Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.
Me: Don’t be mean to my friend.
Her: Your friend just broke in my door and almost strangled me.
Me: I said he was my friend, not yours.
I think my husband is psychic!
“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”
{from other room}
“You look great!”
me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?
You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?
That’s preposterous
You found a baby spider in here?
-Yeah, but only one.
*Googles avg # of spiders hatched*
*eyes widen*Just. One?
[Never. Sleeps. Again.]
[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE
One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.
It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
[At the pearly gates]
Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?
Saint Peter: the book was so much better.
Gonna teach myself how to play the bagpipes. Wonder if I should tell the neighbors
“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”
Cashier: Panic buyers bought up all the fresh fruit and veg?
Me, looks at my usual shopping: Huh? Oh yes, panic buyers. *shakes fist*
*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*
May it please the Court.
COP: Know why I stopped you?
“Drag racing?”
COP: Nope.
“Speeding?”
COP: Definitely not.
“Cuz I’m on a unicycle?”
COP: That’s the one.
When someone has two dogs everyone’s always assuming they’re siblings like “where’s your brother?” “share with your sister” what if they’re dating? What if they’re coworkers?
Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.
Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.
I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy
I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings
When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
[taking the last bite of a big meal]
date: what would you like to do next
me: poop
Annual reminder that one year my mom sent out her christmas cards without looking at them first and didn’t see they printed them with “Lou” instead of “Love” and everyone called and asked her who tf Lou was and she had no idea what they were talking about
[at swimming pool]
Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem
EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore
“What’s your favourite childhood memory?”
Not paying bills.
[in space]
ASTRONAUT: Up here you can have delusions
ME: Haha I don’t think so
A: They can seem real
GANDALF: Don’t believe him
ME: I don’t
My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.
Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.