[texting]
Me: I keep seeing “tl;dr” and I’ve asked a bunch of people what it means but nobody will answer me. Do you know?
Her: too long, didn’t read
Me: oh ffs you too?
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“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
[Weights bench at the gym]
ME: …327…328…329…
PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise
Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti
Judge: plz tell the court what happened
Victim: he attacked me with this! [holds up pasta strainer]
Judge: that doesn’t hold any water
Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes
BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.
Everyone turns around and stairs at me.
Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.
Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂
Me: *Goes outside to take out the trash only wearing underwear.
(Because 6 ft high privacy fence, goddamnit).
Neighbour: *on ladder* “Hi!”We need to move
“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
*Toddler walks up, kisses my knee, turns away*
“Aw! Aren’t you sweet?”
*Toddler kisses refrigerator, cabinet door and dishwasher*
“Oh.”
M: Why are the crazies called insane instead of unsane?
Prosecutor: Number 3 is excused from jury duty.
M: *mumbles* works every time
I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.
I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.
Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.
*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”
the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.
With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
Him: you know, a baby deliverer…
Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?
Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
One Oscars rule that I have is when you say “TO MY PARENTS UP THERE”, you should have to clarify whether they are dead or in the balcony
Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
“It wasn’t such a GOOD FRIDAY for Jesus, if you think about it.” -Every youth pastor today.
I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.
You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats
The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.
Sir newton: I like them ticcc AF
Students: but sir we can’t write that
Newton: ok then write this “the grater the mass the greater the force of attraction”
Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.
Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.