[texting]
Me: I keep seeing “tl;dr” and I’ve asked a bunch of people what it means but nobody will answer me. Do you know?
Her: too long, didn’t read
Me: oh ffs you too?
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“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
“I can’t wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait…what the -”
[U2 is playing a free concert in the box]
Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
Wife got peanut butter M&M’s and mint M&M’s and mixed them in the same bowl because she’s not interested in making this relationship work.
I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before
What’s your zodiac sign? I’m a banjo wizard.
I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people
I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.
I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.
Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.
I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm
What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old
[Record Shop]
Me: Hi, have you got anything by the Doors?
Shopkeeper: No, we have to keep all exits clear in case of emergencies.
*slowly slides PBJ under seat*
HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
oh u like geography? name every lake
Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*
Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.
Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.
Me : Flow away, I’m busy.
Park Ranger: *Looking at morbidly obese ducks* Was this you?
Jesus: *trying to hide the rapidly multiplying bread loaves* No sir