Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If there’s a civil war just a heads up I’m going after all the Herbalife and Shakeology people first

Me: What do you want for breakfast?

Kids: EGGS! BACON! WAFFLES! CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES!

Me: Let me rephrase. Who wants toast?

One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.

A love story

On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.

I asked my neighbor’s 5 yr old if he wanted a baby brother or sister and his reply was he just wanted chicken nuggets

a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you

I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years

[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado

Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home.

At a fried chicken place, looks delicious

If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!

I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.

[kid, about to do something stupid]

ME: [sitting on couch] Anyone who gets hurt isn’t getting medical care until tomorrow.

If you are reading this then you are reading this

[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.

Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.

Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.

The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.

When we die, do you think that we go to heaven and reunite with all of the socks we have lost over the years? And St. Peter is just smiling like “go on in, they’re waiting for you” and it’s just a plush, green meadow full of all of your lost socks frolicking in the sun.

I’m standing in the middle of the party with a bag full of burritos just now realizing B.Y.O.B. was referring to beer.

Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling

I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.

If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.

4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.

Me: How do you know?

4: I licked it.

“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes

We have 4 kids and people always ask if any of my kids were accidents. I can’t understand why people ask this… how does anyone have sex by accident

*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch around

Are these the stairs that guy dragged you down?

I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.

Spring love is in the air!

*sprays repellent*