Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train

conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK

Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money

Boating season is upon us.

I bought a container of ice cream and it had a screw on lid. Nobody needs that kind of negativity in their life.

“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.

People say you have to study Shakespeare in school, but Shakespeare never studied Shakespeare and look at him. He became Shakespeare.

Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.

If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately

[McDonald’s drive thru]

ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke

HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?

Me: big date tonight. Any advice?
Pal: just be yourself! Pay her a compliment, ask her a question, talk about your interests…

[Later]

Me: Hello. I like your teeth. What’s the capital of Venezuela? I enjoy food

Interviewer: [extends arm] hello

Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello

Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.

Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.

So many true crime podcasts are just like “a young woman went missing, the police took a week to respond, she was last seen with a man the community call Creepy Murdery Steve, he has never been questioned”

You ever think about how there are people who can identify cars? Like instead of “brown truck” or “grey sedan” everywhere they go they’re all “that Mazda Myopia is turning left beside the 2017 Chevy Stigmata”. That’s so wild. It must be like seeing those colors only shrimp see.

God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.

Some random lady took down our outside decorations because “Halloween is over,” and now I want to invite her inside because Dinner is over, and I don’t want to clean up from dinner any more than I wanted to clean up after Halloween.

I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer

ME: I’d like to return this sports bra.
CASHIER: Why?
ME: I wore it and I’m still bad at sports.
CASHIER: It’s just clothing. You train to be good at sports.
ME: *Sees training bra* Jackpot.

Baseball is weird in that you directly supply to your opponent the opportunity to score against you

That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt

[First day of zombie apocalypse]

Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.

Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-

[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?

coworker: my favourite are samosas. what about you?
me lying about having tried Indian food: I mean how do you argue against samosas

Her: Please be on your best behavior.

Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.

My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese

I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way

Man goes to a Doctor.

“Every time I attempt to pass water it hurts”

“Does it burn?”

“I don’t know, I’ve never tried to set fire to it”

A Haiku For My Salad:

I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad

I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.

Me: I said you would learn a ton working with the public in this job. What would you say is the most important thing you’ve learned so far?

17: That the public is crazy.