[texting]
Me: I’m over IT.
Friend: Over what?
Me: You know…IT.
Friend: IT is a pronoun that could mean anything.
Me: IT as in Information Technology.
Friend: You CAN’T be over that.
[1 week later]
Me, via handwritten letter: Well, I am.
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Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
Cow Scientist: Sir, we’ve discovered a deadly aMOOOba infecting our milk. It has a very high MOOOtality rate and it’s rapidly MOOOtating
Cow President: *grimly* Holy cow
Handshakes should be banned. Touch our naked body parts together for all the world to see? Gross!
No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull
If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.
Grocery guy here with a reminder…
You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it😒
Parole officer: Come in and take a seat
[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*
What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.
“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”
[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD
🤦🏻♀️😂😂
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
*FINALLY gets truck washed*
*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*
Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon
my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.
“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.
*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right
I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…
…or a giant gorilla.
~Super Mario’s mom probably
Voting is the worst group project
The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.
watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed
hear me out : pockets for your socks
Publisher handing my horror novel back to me with shaking hands: you need to lose the pop-ups
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
*takes long drag off cigarette*
No one digs a well at the top of a hill, so what the hell were Jack and Jill doing up there?
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!We will we will drink you
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!*pours vodka after bad day*