Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?

So she was like, “Put on some protection”. I then pulled out & wore a yellow construction hat. We laughed & laughed & now I have herpes.

Welcome to your 40’s, or as I call it “Two Leonardo DiCaprio Girlfriends”

My 3yo (who is extremely clean for a toddler) keeps crying at mealtimes because “I don’t like watching the baby eat, she’s so messy” and honestly, same

a lot of yall don’t understand politics because your history teacher was the football coach

Back in 2012 my wife & I were the victims of a horrific & terrifying home invasion that left us mentally scarred & unable to sleep. But our daughter’s 5 now & we’ve actually grown quite fond of her.

To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.

I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool

*me, at high school prom

Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?

Daughter: dada?

Me: no honey it’s not.

Daughter: is time travel possi-

Me: [winks].

Daughter: [runs away] AHHHHHHH!

Wife: how did you do that?

Me: I paid our son a dollar to ask her to ask me.

Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving

I just received a bottle of wine that was regifted 3 times before it cycled back to me.

So, basically, I bought myself a bottle of wine.

DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY CHANGE YOUR SON’S BONES TO STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.

I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.

Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.

I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.

“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing

On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.

Them: You have a debt to society

Me: Well they can get in line

I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…

M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!

H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!

M: Never mind, carry on.

It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest

Hell is just you and your dog as he takes revenge for all the times you shouted “Squirrel!” when there was no squirrel.

I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.

HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish

ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done

Husband: Now that our younger son is 6 and our older one doesn’t turn 10 for a few months, you know what that means

Me: No, what?

H: It’s the summer of 6 and 9

Me: get out

I have three kids: a 14-year-old, an 11-year-old, and an imaginary child who is actually to blame for everything the other two get accused of.

Good morning to everyone except my baby, who already said good morning to me at 1 a.m., 3 a.m., and 5:46 a.m.

Tim Burton: I have a movie to pitch

Exec: oh boy here we go

Tim Burton: it’s a love story

Exec: go on

Tim Burton: about two people from different parts of town

Exec: sounds pretty cute actually

Tim Burton: oh and he’s super emo and has scissors for hands

Exec: there it is