Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?

If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.

It’s so cute, whenever I sing along to an 80’s song, my kids ask me how I remember the words because I’m “so old”.

I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.

I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.

Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.

who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?

My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”

If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora

*calls lost & found*

Me: Have you seen my patience?

L&F: Hold on a second.

Me: *click*

5-year-old daughter: *looks in the mirror* Can you get me something to match my cowboy boots?

Me: What?

5-year-old: A horse.

if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.

Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:

“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”

SWAT: give up the hostages

RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that

As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.

my mom taught me to say “not my circus, not my monkeys” when some crazy shit someone was doing wasn’t my business. but when my friends are doing crazy shit it’s tough. bc I’m like that’s not my circus… but that’s MY monkey

A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.

me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around

boss: you’re still fired

I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?

If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.

Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?

Husband: Yes. We had more money.

“Go ahead, caller….”

“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”

Husband: What’s with all the barrels of oil in the garage?

Me: THEY WERE ON CLEARANCE, OKAY.

A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”

The sole purpose of a potato masher is to prevent you from opening a drawer.

November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow

My daughter has decided instead of drying off with bath towels, she prefers sheets, and I love her and promised to never stamp out her individuality, but no.

I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.

Anytime someone loses something in the office HR doesn’t ask if anyone’s seen it, they just send out an email that says “Give it back Josh”

ME: I’ve spent my whole life running
THERAPIST: from who you are?
ME: [thinking about that one time I threw a boomerang into a tornado] no