Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.

Cop: know why I pulled you over?

“Hopefully to arrest me.”

Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle.

*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched

[3 days into dieting]

*sees ad for burger & fries*

*drowns in his own saliva*

my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”

“Just make sure Nazis NEVER march with tiki torches. I’m trying to save Germany, not Gilligan’s Island.” — Hitler’s last words

if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!

Some apples don’t fall far from the tree, BUT other apples catch a good roll and keep rolling…and rolling…and rolling..

me: i heard you were talking shit about me to your mom.

my niece (who’s 12): yeah. did you want to hear it again, or did you get everything?

This is a whole mood;

Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?

Jealousy is a horrible green monster.

Well, a horrible monster in a tight green dress. With big boobs. And an ass to die for.

🙁

i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite

[working at the DMV]

Me *covering phone mouthpiece*: a Mr. Godzilla wants to know if he can upload his photo or does he have to come here?

Boss: *sweating profusely*

I’d date me.

But mainly because I put out.

90% of life is just having the courage to show up.

The other 30% is just checking the math.

Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.

It doesn’t really matter who wins today as long as both candidates tried their best and had fun.

My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.

David Attenborough: Many animals have been known to seemingly freeze when encountering bright lights at night.

Me: *opening refrigerator* Good thing that doesn’t happen to huma-

ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!

KIDS: we do!

M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up

Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.

my proudest moment has to be when I snuck into a frat party and didn’t kno any of the brothers but I knew they loved having foreign exchange kids at their events so I faked a british accent and said I was from southham(doesn’t exist) then ended up leavin with 2 handles of bacardi

Someone left an anonymous love note on my daughter’s desk and the first thing she did was put it in a ziploc baggie so she can get DNA and fingerprints

4 woke me at 12.30am and 3am then yelled at me because I wouldn’t take part in her frog jumping contest at 6.23am, do I just send my resignation to hr or

I can’t stop laughing 🤣

I can never eat just one Christmas ornament

you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.

doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …

Me: give it to me straight doc what is it

doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password

this summer i’m going cicada mode (emerging briefly from my house and being really loud until i find a mate)