Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.

A particularly friendly email response from me could mean either:

a) I am happily responding to you.
b) I’ve never wanted to kill someone more but I want you to do the thing that I’ve asked.

My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.

People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.

sign of the times 🖊

Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.

[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.

The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.

Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.

You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.

bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products

What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?

Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?

Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…

[interview]

What is your greatest strength?

“Throwing my voice”

You’re hired!

“Ok great, thanks”

Wait I didn’t say- oh wow you’re good

I’ve been locked out of Tinder because of “unusual activity”. I must’ve got a match.

I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash

After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.

Person 1: hey did you go see the new Holy Infant?

Person 2: I did

Person 1: what’s he like?

Person 2: so tender and mild

Person 1: what

[Spelling bee]
Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.

On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”

My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.

Therapist: Maybe you could try to be a little less hostile.

Me: Maybe you could stick a butter knife in a light socket.

a new guy joined our group last night and he was taller than me and I joked “dang I’m used to being the tall one of the group” and he whispered in my ear “now you’re just the loud one” ???

[date night]

me: you know it was pretty hard to get a table here

gf: we are in your apartment

me: you gotta carry it up like 4 flights of stairs then turn it sideways to get it through the door

I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.

Me: we can’t climb on this

My Kid: the older kids are climbing too

Me: yeah but there are signs all over it saying not to

My Kid: ohhhh these guys are probably too dumb to read

Older Kids: *sheepishly climbing down*

Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.

It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.

If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.

Snow white: it’s really starting to get dark in the forest & I’m gettting scared!

Huntsman: How do you think I feel! I’ve gotta find my way back on my own.