Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?

Sauer crowd.

If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.

*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*

ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace

(Job interview)

The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later

Me: Okay, I’ll start later then

My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles

I’m the clinically crazy unpredictable one. The monster under my bed is probably telling his parents there’s a full blown psycho on the roof.

I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.

Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me.

[invention of croutons]
Let me put a few bread rocks on top of your salad. Trust me, people in neighboring cities will hear you eating this.

when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭

Detective: We’re going to need to confiscate your phone and computer, look through your browsing history for anything that might be relevant.

Me: I’d rather just confess.

Detective: To what?

Me: Whatever

Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”

Kong’s very sensitive.

Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself

Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself

WIFE: Remember to check for firmness

ME: When should kids be allowed to date?

TOMATO: Minimum of 18 years old imo

ME: OK this one is good

5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?

Me: *cuts it differently*

5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*

Me: Why aren’t you eating it?

5yo: Because it’s not the same!

[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”

me: *quarantines self*

*runs out of wine*

me: *unquarantines self*

Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar

teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now

If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t

Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”

To whom it may concern,

My family isn’t missing so I suspect you have the wrong address.
Please stop posting me human fingers.

Many thanks

“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”

I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.

I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?

My teenage son Filbert was ejected from the Young Republicans for naming his pet lizard Bernie Salamanders. You bet your buns he’s grounded.

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol

Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.

Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.

Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?

Me ~ Kerosene…

How have I got to this age and I still haven’t figured out what you’re supposed to do with your arms when you’re trying to get to sleep.