Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[standing next to the boss at the urinal]
Ok, don’t act weird.

“That’s some impressive bladder volume, sir.”

Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.

HER: I wish I lived in the 20s
ME: no u dont
HIM: right bc they had no womens rights
M[was going to say bc they didnt have Netflix]: exactly

No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.

Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.

Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.

Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail

Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.

Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.

The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff

Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁

I just learned that at the Vienna airport there’s a counter specifically for people who arrived in Austria instead of Australia as they intended but apparently didn’t try hard enough

dog owners: their name is buddy

cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito

I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.

I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.

[Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt]

Recipe: First, finely chop—
Me: I’m out.

Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.

everyone has that one prude friend

Dear makers of women’s clothing, Pants pockets should be like poetry: DEEP ENOUGH TO BE MEANINGFUL.

Bruh

They said I’d have to kiss a lot of frogs before finding my prince. I never found him, but I did find out I’m REALLY into frogs.

The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.

[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…

I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.

in case you were wondering how things are going these days for the generation that attended kindergarten exclusively via zoom…

our 6yo has started surreptitiously playing wordle on his school-issued chromebook while in class and skyping us his score

Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?

[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”

politician: i don’t get it

Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.

Me: I like how you dyed all the meat green for St. Patrick’s Day.

Chipotle manager: It’s St. Patrick’s Day?