[texting]
Wife: Clean out your bowels.
Me: OK.
Wife: *bowls. The ones in the sink
Me: *chugging laxatives* Damn it.
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Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
I don’t remember if I took my pills, but I can’t check because I can’t remember where I put my glasses.
Dinner time:
*opens fridge & stares
*moves to cabinet & stares
*moves back to fridge & lowers standards
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-
toupeed eagle: what?
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.
Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting
I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.
Him: Parent-teacher night is next week.
Me: Will there be snacks?
Him: Does it really matter?
Me:
Him: *sighs* Yes.
Me: Okay. I’m in.
Nobody remembers you winning the 4th grade award for ‘Best Penmanship’, but everyone remembers the one time you called the teacher “mum”.
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i get angry wrong?
HER: yes
ME: *balling toes* this is delightful
The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.
Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.
A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.
I should not have taken this before my big rap battle
my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.
Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*
Old man standing next to me: Ouch!
I’m over at my parents’ place eating dinner and my stepmom comes in and tells my dad, “Your furry daughter is eating” and for a second I thought I was being called out and accused before I realized she was talking about the squirrels my dad likes to observe outside
Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck
A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing
Student email: “hello…”
Student extension request email: “your grace…”
“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car