Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

caterpillar: *walks*

snake: okay what

caterpillar: *grows wings*

snake: OKAY WHAT

boss: we have to let you go

me: why

boss: its the only speaking in lyrics thing

me: em…

boss: Although you’re not doing it now which is good

me: see!

boss: ok you can stay

me: *under my breath* a

[white house staff meeting]

Obama: Any questions?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe.
*Biden returns to coloring book*

How do bananas greet each other?

“Yellow”

I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes

Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.

my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents

The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.

Darth Vader: *chops of Luke’s hand* You underestimated what I’d do if you touched the thermostat!

Luke: Wait, you’re my dad?

Be the elephant you wish to see in the room.

Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician

thanksgiving should be called feaster

I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.

Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?

Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.

The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.

Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.

I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!

Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.

I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.

People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.

Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection

‘Stealing someone’s coffee is called mugging.’

RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers

my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers

4: remember when mommy didn’t have her strap on?

Husband: she didn’t have her WHAT?!

4: her strap on!

Husband: I didn’t even know mommy had a-

Me, from another room: SHE MEANS WHEN I WORE THE STRAPLESS DRESS AT OUR WEDDING

I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms

*offers Batman cough drops*

[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?

Once upon a time, I’d leave my seat early at a concert or sporting event so I could beat the traffic.

Nowadays, it’s probably because I need to beat the queue for the toilet.

When I texted my dad I wanted to be a barrister he was so proud.

Years later I achieved my dream, and as I make him an Mini Java Chip Frappuccino it turns out I can’t spell and he isn’t proud.

2yo niece: Auntie Pantie!

4yo nephew: Auntie Pantie!

Me: Haha, they’re so cute.

8yo daughter: Auntie Pantie!

Me: NO.