Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*

This married couple was eating dinner, he meant to ask his wife for salt, but What came out was, I hate you stupid Bitch you ruined my life

The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.

I saw a dad peeing at a urinal while holding his kid on his shoulders and I was so in awe of his dad skills I just gave him my kid to raise. He’s better off now.

My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.

I like to add winky faces to non sexual sentences.

“I put the rest of the water in the fridge ;)”

my roommate is freaked out.

There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.

8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”

Me: “Not this tired.”

God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game

garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake

11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.

Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable

No flush

VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?

ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.

One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.

Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks

Larry (a garden gnome):

Me: oh my god you’re so handsome

These are dark times.

~me, everyday at 4pm

How bad is it, doc?

“Well, you’ll never run again”

So basically the same

Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping

Me, as a surgeon: Nurse, give me 50 CCs of the thing from the thing. Stat.

Nurse: The what?

Me: Just do it, ok.

I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.

My one weakness is definitely chocolate. And cake, also cake. Oh, coffee. Wait bread too. There’s also cheese.

My one weakness is indecision.

🖕🏻👽

Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.

[God creating octopus]

Angel: We’re outta teeth. You gave too many to the sharks

God: Crap. What’s left?

A: ink & suction cups

G: Hmmm..

Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?

Me: No way, I used a lint roller.

Lawyer: Wait what?

Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*

“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”

HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL

Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time

*Tries to start the wave at a funeral

At some point, a guy looked at an onion that was clearly purple & called it red. AND WE’RE JUST SITTING HERE LETTING IT HAPPEN.