Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.

When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.

Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this

Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no

It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.

“You said, and I quote, ‘Make me a bowl of food.’”

“This is why no one likes you, Jeff.”

I walked into a bakery and asked the lady at the register if I could buy a bagel with cream cheese.

“Sorry,” she said. “We only accept cash.”

The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.

I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.

Okay, Hello Kitty.

Fine. Miss Piggy.

Ursula.

Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.

Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.

My favorite part of eating alone at this trendy restaurant was when the waitress asked if I had cats because I had cat hair, “all over.”

My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.

Popeye just relied on the spinach to turn him into a bucking mule or his hands into sledgehammers. He really had no fighting technique.

[concert parking lot]

SON: Can I have $20 for a shirt?

ME: Hold on. [grabs college kid] Want to buy a gummy? Purple Haze… $20. It’ll blow your mind.

KID: Sure! Here you go. Thanks!

SON: DAD… ARE YOU A DRUG DEALER?!?

ME: No, they’re from Costco. Here, go buy a shirt.

This device could predict incoming phone calls.

[highspeed chase]

ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*

[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]

Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!

One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.

Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.

Husband: When I introduce you to my boss, please don’t be weird

Me: Me? Weird??

Husband: PLEASE

[ Later ]

Me, air kissing his boss’s hand: Bonjour

2025: The piñatas have become sentient. Children beaten mercilessly w/ sticks. Mariachi music everywhere.

I’ve decided that I need to eat more vegetables, so I’m gonna make a carrot cake later.

My neighbor just pulled into his driveway with a new washer and dryer and now he’s headed this way …. So this gives me about 4 seconds to dislocate my shoulder.

Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…

Nobody:

Neighbors: THEYRE ASLEEP LETS SET OFF ALL THE FIREWORKS

Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?

[commercial]
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese

Me: Did you use the elevator?

Friend: I took the stairs.

Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?

How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube

a fun thing about Nova Scotia is that our most popular tourist attraction is a place with 4 million signs reading “you’re probably gonna die if you stand on these rocks” and almost every year someone stands on the rocks and dies anyway

A little too much information.