Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.

The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.

If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.

fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired

*cough*

that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE

Fell down the stairs and my 5yo complained, that it was so loud. I told him, i would fall more quietly next time and he looked at me like i was very stupid and said”Just don’t fall at all!” I was glad that he provided this solution!

I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?

batman: who do I see about this ticket?

cop: oh, I wrote it

batman: who tickets the batmobile!?

cop: you were illegally parked

batman: I was fighting crime!

cop: rules are rules

batman: I WAS DOING YOUR JOB!!!!

cop: did you see I wrote “I’m sorry” with a little heart?

Her: let’s role play

Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo

Her: what?

Me: no his hearing is fine

No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.

Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.

THEY’RE EVOLVING.

Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.

so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys

I’m sure it’s fine.

I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.

Cashier: You’re the first person to not buy flowers or chocolates today.

Me: * looks down at burrito and donuts *

It’s still love though.

ㅤ

Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web

Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.

*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*

4- I make a lot of noises when I poop

Me- that’s okay buddy we all do

4- I know mom, sometimes I can hear you and dad in your room at night

Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*

*eat the good cheese

I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.

If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.

For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in

ok what if you’re in the school pickup line and you see a woman eating from a charcuterie board in her car, would you judge me?
i mean her would you judge her

I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.

Me: Ew, what sort of shop is this? It just sells dead birds?

My cat: Pick out whatever you want, birthday boy. It’s on me.

*pushes you to the couch and latches on*

I’m a koala, and you’re my eucalyptus tree.

*pretends to eat your hair*