Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.

I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy

This is a sub tweet

I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman

My 4yo may have misunderstood the fire safety information, but that hasn’t dampened his enthusiasm and now he’s walking round shouting “Stop Rock and Roll” like some 1980s puritanical parent.

Life is short. Take risks. Run with scissors. Dance with scissors like nobody’s watching. Stop waiting for tomorrow to do cool shit with scissors.

You had ONE job!

– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.

Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering

#BatmanvSuperman

God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.

Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!

Me: Everyone should adopt a dog.
Him: Some people don’t like dogs.
M: Who?
H: I don’t know. Some people.
M: Who?! I want names and numbers!

Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?

Regrettably, we are forced to raise the price of our products and services due to the reason that we want to

HR: Please remember to log into the portal and update your goals!

Me: Ok. My only goal is to continue getting a paycheck.

“Salamanders are fire proof so if there was a fire in your house and everything you have was made out of Salamander skin you’d survive.”

* this “fact” from my 7yr old is untrue and also incredibly disturbing

You know a Brit’s really mad when they beg your pardon, then suggest something may have escaped your attention, before apologising for being close to losing their patience. Upon reaching boiling point, there’s a chance they’ll give you all due respect before issuing the killer blow of offering you their regards.

Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.

I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.

My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”

Me: “wedding cake”.

broke: live-action auditions where you have to do shit like “memorize sides” and “look like an actual person”

woke: voiceover auditions where you get to do shit like “never have to leave your home” and “record in the nude”

When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:

“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.

The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.

It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.

I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir

Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help

Daughter likes bananas.

Daughter likes banana bread.

Daughter won’t eat this banana bread because it tastes too much like bananas.

Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.

I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”

[first day of quidditch practice]

Remember kids, witches get snitches.