Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.

Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.

No one warned me how funny it would be when my 3yo started using specific buzzwords to target my weaknesses. “Mommy, we should buy this. It is ON SALE. And it is HEALTHY FOR LITTLE CHILDREN.”

It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.

*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board

My spirit animal is this 9 yo, so calm and polite during girl sleepover drama, who just told me “literally, nothing is interesting to me”.

*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*

‘Sup

What kind of outfit says “I want you to let me stand in your group so I don’t look like a loser but I don’t want to talk to any of you”?

Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.

CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…

Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP

Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.

every TV pilot:

“Hey man! How long’s it been, 13 years? I haven’t seen you since you got kicked off the force under dubious circumstances. Are you still haunted by the death of your wife?”

“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”

[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine

2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal life

Today:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ

I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.

Thinking about that time my mom was taking a photo of me & said I looked way too stiff & too posed & her solution was to hand me a gourd.

My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”

Where is your GOD now????

When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️

Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages

My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.

[me as a ship’s navigator in the 1740s] omg you’re gonna be so mad at me…but i think that was supposed to be our trade wind back there

I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.

Best spoiler warning ever

*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”

<thud>

*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it’s my size
*looks up
*sees man stuck in tree
*sits
*waits for the other shoe to drop

Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.

big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.

HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES

*sales call

Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..

Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever

Me: Can you go tell your brother that dinner is ready?

Son: *standing one inch from my ear* DINNER IS READY!