Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no

The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.

Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?

Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.

Ordered a honey bee kit off Amazon. Can’t wait to tell my co-workers all the benefits of honey that I Googled right before telling them.

Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook

You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.

*cop approaches me*

“have u seen this girl?”

*holds up photo*

“yeah I’ve seen her, NAKED”

*hi-5*

“haha but seriously shes in my trunk”

Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?

“get a dog” they said

“it’ll be fun” they said

yeah right, you try explaining to the neighbours about the remains of the 17 ex-lovers it just dug up from your back yard

First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.

this is literally a CIA plant

At a doctor appointment:

“Step up on the scale”
Jokingly, “Do I have to?”
“No.”
“WHAT?!?!”

HOW HAVE I GONE THIS LONG WITHOUT KNOWING THIS WAS AN OPTION?!

had a weird insomnia so i put on a movie (Interstellar). i loved it. it made me cry twice and gave me the chills once but it absolutely didn’t help me sleep

Coffee for people with no kids

My wife told me she “likes it rough.”

So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll.

-how guys understand women

Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.

Found out recently that right-clicking on the send ‘arrow’ in Teams chat lets you schedule the message to be sent at a later time of your choosing. And yes I’m heavily abusing this feature.

The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime

my high school crush made me a mixtape and on the inner lining wrote “date?” and I didn’t see it until TWO YEARS LATER when he already had a serious girlfriend and tbh I’m still upset about it

[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind

surely THIS is the open bar where i will finally learn restraint

Me: Is the red one cherry or strawberry?

Morpheus: That honestly should not matter right now

The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself

Cop: *Hands me ticket
“I’ll see you in court.”

Me: *Seductively winks
“Sure is a lot of trouble just to see me again.”

Cop: …

It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.

Lol

I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?

My 3yo ran up me so I could protect her while we were playing laser tag, so I picked her up and used her like a shield so I could take her brother out.

Capitalist: Hi

Anti-Capitalist: hi

Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.