Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?

Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.

Coworker: Are you joining us for the team meeting in the conference room?

Me: Nah, I’ve got too much to do.

Coworker: That’s too bad, the boss brought in some donuts.

Me:

11-year-old: I can’t wait until it’s too cold outside for spiders.

Me: That just means they’ll come inside.

11: No furnace this year.

Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A

@isabelzawtun I work at a pet supply store. One time a customer called to set up a delivery. He wanted a dog toy in his order but didn’t know which one. I had to pick out toys and squeak them into the phone for him until he heard the “right one.”

My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken

Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.

Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that

Me: I’m going to start eating healthier!

*buys exactly the same groceries + 1 carrot*

Me: Nailed it.

HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president

KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!

turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁

*approaches woman in club*
Me: Would you like to dance?
Her: Sure.
Me: While you’re dancing can I sit in your chair? I’m really tired.

I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer

The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread

Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.

I know everything is expensive right now, but just remember correcting people’s grammar online is still free.

WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday

I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.

“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.

A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”

Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.

Wife is out of town, so I’ve got the whole bed to myself. Time to sprawl out like a starfish and enjoy every inch*

*I slept in my usual two-foot sliver

I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.

Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs

◾️

Judge: I need you to digitize all of my case resolutions and then make backups, on a remote server.
Law clerk: You want me to cloud your judgements?
J: You’re in contempt.

Her: stop kicking everything you don’t feel like picking up under the refrigerator

Me: why

*from under the refrigerator*
*baby noises*

*finds a sock behind the washing machine*

*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*

Boys are cute how they’re all “I like girls that don’t wear heavy makeup” and “get down from that tree near my window or I’ll call the cops”

When a leg cramp sneaks up on you, that is a Trojan Charley horse