[text]
Me: Where are you?
Boy: home
Me: Let’s verify that. You have 3 minutes to send me a photo of the inside of our freezer.
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I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”
I cower in the darkness surrounded by demons that relentlessly tempt me… I submit to the temptation.
4: mom? are you hiding in the pantry eating cookies again?
Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy
Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…
A cold that will last all week
Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.
crazy
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach
I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”
My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it’s still six months away. Please send help.
Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.
If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.
After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.
Werewolves of Paris.
ADIEUUUUUUUUUU!
My work day –
8:00-11:30 – wonder what I’ll eat for lunch today
11:30 – 12:00 – eat lunch
12:00 – 4:30 – Damn lunch was good.
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
Don’t pee on my head and tell me it’s raining, buddy!
(In fact please don’t pee on my head and tell me anything, this was just a metaphor but still)
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick.
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand.
Genie: what is your first wish
Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please
G: I’m a genie not a witch
[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}
how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours
i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
me: technically, they’re magma lamps until you crack them open and pour the lamp sauce out, then it becomes lava
doctor: no I meant thoughts about your treatment plan
I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?