Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace

My phone just told me my network was unstable.

Same, girl. Same.

I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.

My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”

When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend

5yo: That will be 5 dollars.

Me *handing her play money*
All I have is this 50.

Hey! Where’s my change?

5yo: Sorry. I all I have is this 50.

I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.

Some Things Never Change 😀

#archaeohistories

[at an umpire’s funeral]

me: i’m so sorry. how did he die?

mourner: STEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-ROKE!!

There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.

I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.

you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and

shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.

so you jump to death from the check-out desk.

So many chores, so many kids to do them for me

*after accidentally dropping my phone off a cliff and directly into a vat of grape jelly, hosing it down, then dropping it again onto a highway where it gets stampeded by a herd of elephant, picking it up and trying to reply to a text*
ugh, I don’t know why my phone’s being weird

dog: the humans have food all the way up on the counter, that’s illegal

*calls in the SWAT team*

cat, wearing sunglasses and tactical gear: I’ll take it from here boys

Me: I read where psychologists are worried that after all this time in lockdown, people are going to have trouble adjusting to regular social interaction again. What do you think?

My couch:

I wish you were here with me baby

So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up

someone very mysteriously dumped 3-400 pounds of pasta in the woods in old bridge, nj …… i need to know everything

If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.

Ladies,

Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.

Men

Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.

Met a drunk girl earlier who had a “half therapy dog” bc it had gone through part of the therapy dog training and then just decided to become a regular dog

I wish other people my age weren’t so old.

Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now

Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?

Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.

Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re

Sorry I yelled “pull” when you released doves at your wedding.

The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.

I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.

*eating catfish*

This looks nothing like it did on the menu