Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[in line at store]
her: oh no I don’t have enough money
me: hey hey [touches her hand] put your wallet away
her: are you sure?
me: yeah, it’s hideous

saying “eat the rich”

-depressing
-been done
-makes people think you’re a cannibal

saying “ok boomer”

-fresh
-new
-hurtful to a generation that ruined the planet and economy

I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top

Frozen french fry bag: Heat to an internal temperature of 160°f

Me: k, I’ll check for sure

INVENTOR: it’s a machine that washes dishes

BOSS: what should we call it

GUY WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE: i have an idea

Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?

I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.

I’m giving up ice.

I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.

The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.

Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,

You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.

I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity

Me: HOLY SHIT! We’ve been robbed!

Her: Oh No! Are you calling the police?

Me: (Sigh) No, I’m calling the burglars to congratulate them..

If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv

“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.

[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you like

HER: I really get off on exhibitionism

ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool

Our tv was on with the volume a smidge louder than societal norms, my husband was watching a YouTube video on his phone at medium volume, I was watching a tiktok on my phone full blast and my daughter walks in and yells, “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD BUY HEADPHONES.”

No one heard her.

*Sneezes*

Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk

SON: Dad, can you call me an uber?

ME: You’re an uber!

SON: No, with your phone

ME: Oh, sorry [types]

SON: [gets text] “You’re an uber!”

Doggies just call it style.

Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids

Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?

Once I dreamt I’d pissed the bed and when I woke up I had. So never let people tell you dreams can’t come true.

My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza

Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.

can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine

What the hell happened in there??

Leonardo Dicaprio has addressed the UN about climate change.

Well if anyone should know about the dangers of melting icebergs, it’s him!

if the plane can’t go to the gate, that has nothing to do with me. We landed. I can get out and walk

Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.