[pulled over by cop]
COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?
MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
Love Mom XO
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I told this cashier she kinda looked like Lorde, and as I was walking out, heard the lady behind me assure her she did not look like Jesus.
ILLUMINATI: *drinks chicken noodle soup and gets a good night’s rest*
WELLUMINATI: I’m feeling much better
I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.
My friend David recently lost his ID. Now we just call him dav.
Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.
Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?
[leaving couples therapy]
*whispers to therapist* so who won?
Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations