her: i love croissants
me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
Love Mom XO
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6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?
Me: I just really want to kick this habit
Therapist: You want to kick nuns?
Me: No, it’s just an expression meaning I can’t escape my addiction
Theraprist: Oh, what are you addicted to?
Me: punching nuns
Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?
Him: Dude you were there
Oh my God. You try to run him over one time and he never lets you forget it.
Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.
Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.
Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!
Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.
9yo: My best friend is going to be gone for 2 weeks on vacation. It’s going to be the worst.
Me: Well, it gives us the chance to hang out.
9yo: You’re making it worse.
friend: how did the neck surgery go?
me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.
I dated a guy who always kneeled and prayed before sex. I still don’t know if he was scared of what I’d do or thankful. Either way, amen.