OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.

Love Mom XO

You Might Also Like


her: i love croissants

me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too


6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?


Me: I just really want to kick this habit

Therapist: You want to kick nuns?

Me: No, it’s just an expression meaning I can’t escape my addiction

Theraprist: Oh, what are you addicted to?

Me: punching nuns


Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York


Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?

Him: Dude you were there


Oh my God. You try to run him over one time and he never lets you forget it.


Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.

Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.

Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!

Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.


9yo: My best friend is going to be gone for 2 weeks on vacation. It’s going to be the worst.

Me: Well, it gives us the chance to hang out.

9yo: You’re making it worse.


friend: how did the neck surgery go?

me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.


I dated a guy who always kneeled and prayed before sex. I still don’t know if he was scared of what I’d do or thankful. Either way, amen.