Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!Love Mom XO
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“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”
E-Harmony Rep: And here’s your starter cat-
Me: What?
Rep: Here’s your starter pack.
Me: You said cat.
Rep:
Me:
Rep:
Me:
Rep: *folder meows*
The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.
Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.
I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.
Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
based al yankovic
I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100
What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
10 y/o daughter walked up to me and said, “My Father’s Day gift to you is me because without me, you wouldn’t be a father,” then she added, “You’re welcome,” before walking away and that about sums up being a father.
You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.
I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow
You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.
Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk
Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?
her: what are you watching?
me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy
her:
me:
her: are you describing sh—
me: yeah it’s shrek again
[presentation]
GUY WITH A COMBOVER NAMED IAN: So that’s our plan for the next year. Any questions?
ME: Why did you call your combover Ian?
do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there
satan: [pulling me aside] hey we’ve had some complaints
me: about the laughing?
satan yeah [scratching horns] i gotta be honest a lot of the demons are creeped out
me:
satan: you really shouldn’t be enjoying the torture this much
what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
You know I’m all about that bass,
‘Bout that bass…