Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.
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do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS*club goes nuts*
I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.
So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.
Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.
the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate
“Oh, Monster TRUCK rally. Haha of course…”
*Frankenstein slowly backs out of the room, hiding a 24 pack of condoms behind his back*
JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*
It’s weird when one person from your college friend group gets rich but you’ve all stayed in touch & their Facebook posts are like “I have always loved Pearl Jam & it was magical to see them perform on my back patio for my birthday!!!”
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock
If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.
I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.
Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?
*Biden lowers hand*
I’m writing Spider Ma’am, about a middle aged woman who gets bitten by a radioactive spider but keeps it to herself because she doesn’t freaking need this.
Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Guy in a Vulcan costume: [loudly, smugly] I wonder if anyone will recognize MY costume
Ugh my boyfriend’s all “Stop asking my Dad if he likes your underoos” and “Stop snap-chatting my Mom” and “Stop calling me your boyfriend”
*is taken back to a Christmas Eve in my 20s*
Me: Oh, wow! Look how skinny I am! Look at my flat belly before having my kids! Look how well rested I am! Look at…
Ghost of Christmas Past: *sighs* That’s not what the point of this is
My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.
Why are these idiots only giving robots two arms?
Her: I’m not going to keep pausing the movie to explain it to you
Me: I just have a hard time understanding
Her: they’re in that position bc he delivered the pizza but she doesn’t have any money
man’s car is covered in blood and tree leaves
Police officer: what’s with the blood?Driver: I hit a lawyer
Police officer: that explains the blood, but what about the leaves?
Driver: I had to chase him through the park first
I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.
I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.
I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.