Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re

SITCOM IDEA: Career criminal who keeps getting arrested because he hires an official photographer to take pictures of him doing his crimes.

[being held hostage]

Me: this is nice

Kidnapper: what

Me: I love to be held

You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.

My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.

I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.

Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.

Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.

I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.

My grandma was the sweetest. I remember when I was sick she used to rub Vick’s Vapo-Rub on the cat. She was old.

at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it

My mama didn’t raise no fool.

Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.

I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.

“So you walk, then walk some more. Sometimes there’s hills. Oh yeah and you have to say hi to absolutely everyone you see or else.” – Person that invented hiking

ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload

Me: Which cup do you want?

2-year-old: That one!

Me: Let’s pick a different one.

2-year-old: No!

*drinks milk from a shot glass*

I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.

Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.

I like to think I’m smart

Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground

You’re not supposed to end a sentence with a preposition and two prepositions is even worse. I don’t remember what website I got that off of.

My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies

A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.

Me: I’m not old

My phone flashlight that’s been on for an hour for no reason:

Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.

Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.

Made a playlist for your weekend hike

Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.

*meets girl for coffee*
*sets down blueprints for bank*
“What’s this?”
Your dating profile said you were looking for a partner in crime

“Your colon will thank you”

Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me

*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in this

Nurse: you’re not a patient here