Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
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A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.
Them: just trust your gut
Me: the one full of chocolate and coffee?
Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.
Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?
I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.
I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.
Stooooppp!!! 😂😂
*Gets called into HR
Me: What was I accused of now?
HR: I haven’t had any sexual harassment claims against you lately. Is everything ok?
spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
(before ceiling fans were invented)
*People getting their legs cut off by floor fans*
Narrator: There has to be a better way…
My right hand: I’ll hold these three Trader Joe’s bags, your overstuffed tote and one awkward rope handled shopping bag
My left hand: imma pet this doggie
My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.
ok here’s the deal. Yes it was dumb of NASA to ask Sally Ride if she needed 100 tampons for a 7-day mission, but I would have said “Actually I need 250” because that’s free tampons from the government, babbbbyyy.
“Ben Carson makes stuff up” said Donald Trump, self-proclaimed zillionaire, demigod and unicorn owner.
ME: can I ask one last question
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: ok shoot
[gunshots]
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: aw heck
ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
this is the kind of friend i am
If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.
Me: I have a new water bottle! I’m gonna get my 64 Oz a day now, bay-bee!
Also me: ᴀʟʟ ᴏꜰ ᴍʏ ʟɪꜰᴇ ɪꜱ ᴘᴇᴇ
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol
*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked
REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.
Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
my nickname in college
Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
[getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
You can buy my cassette series “Yelling : Greatest Hits”
Including classics such as:
– Hey!
– What the Hell?
– What the heck? (Radio edit)
– Oh come on!And the chart topping hit:
– Yo…hey yo! Over here! No, over here to your left!