Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.

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CHILD: *breathes*
PERSON: You need to keep your child under control, they should be still, quiet, unhappy and oppressed like an adult at all times!

PUPPY: *bites persons face off and pees on them*
PERSON: Don’t you dare apologize, he’s a puppy! He’s still learning!


Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.


Someone angrily told me “You’re so sarcastic!” That would be like me angrily telling a woman “You’re so beautiful!”


*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*



Him: my name is Robert but my friends call me Bob, you can call me whatever you like.
Me: Cool, nice to meet you Nachos.


The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.


What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best


My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful


I said I was sorry three times looking in the mirror and now I’m in Canada