Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
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Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”
a fun way to freak out your parents is to tell them you dropped out of college this semester and when they start losing it say you’re just kidding and just when they start to recover tell them you actually dropped out last semester but have that part be true
Me: I think I’m just scared of change.
Therapist: *flips a quarter*
Me: *screams*
accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster
My fortune cookie fortune:
___________________________
| |
| *ʀᴇᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ ᴛᴏɴᴇʀ* |
|__________________________|
been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that
At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.
hate when people say “if u think this is better than sex, u haven’t had good sex!”, like no, maybe you’ve just never had good lasagna, Carol
[being chased through the woods by a murderer]
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENINGMurderer: What?
Me *showing him my Fitbit* I’ve done 10,000 steps
Murderer: omg lemme check mine
God: eat the green apples but NEVER touch the red ones
Adam & Eve: [brand new humans] what is green and red?
God: eh you’ll figure it out
DATE: {seductively} What’s your type?
ME: {seductively} One sec.
[2 minutes later]
ME: Ok yeah, love you, no I’m on a date, mom she’s the one trust me, thanks again, ok bye. {turns to date} She said B positive.
My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.
me and my fake scenarios
the 2yr old is walking around going, “sus, sus,” and I wondered what I was doing to have him question my motives.
turns out he just wanted apple sauce
furnishing my new place and can’t pick what dining table or chairs I want. All I know is that my nachosaurus is on the way and needs somewhere to stand.
I wish Bill Clinton would stop pointing his finger at everyone, Lord knows where that finger has been. #DNC #DirtyPoonTang
SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.
GENIE 1: he wanted money so i made him a bank robber, ha
GENIE 2: i just…gave mine money
GENIE 1: LMAO YOU GUYS, JERRY JUST GAVE IT TO HIM
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.
Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.
I used to schedule naps, but now they’re little surprise parties my body throws at all hours of the day
I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.
Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.
Husband: You cut your hair!
Me: …
H: It looks good! I like it!
…
Me: I cut my hair 3 weeks ago.