[talking to son on the phone]
“I ran away 3 weeks. You never called the police”
I’m sorry. We’ve been very busy with the holidays and all.
Texts friend: sorry, I’m running late.
Friend: no problem, let me know when you’re on your way.
[ 6 weeks later]
Ok I’ve left.
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Everything I know about raising a family, I learned from watching the Addams Family.
6: can u get me a drink?
Me: no, you’re 6yo. You can get your own drink
6: fine *goes to fridge
Me: while ur there can u grab me a beer?
A pouch potato 😂
Dr: What are some of your hobbies?
“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”
Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.
Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.
A group of us were talking about running a 5k; some are planning to power walk it, a few are going to jog at a slow pace and I thought I’m going to just skip the whole thing.
Press 1 for English. Press 2 for spanish. Press 1 and 2 at the same time for the latest Pitbull song
Incredible customer service.