@Jen_says_nah

Texts friend: sorry, I’m running late.

Friend: no problem, let me know when you’re on your way.

[ 6 weeks later]
Ok I’ve left.

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@ericsshadow

[talking to son on the phone]

“I ran away 3 weeks. You never called the police”

I’m sorry. We’ve been very busy with the holidays and all.

@drinksmcgee

Everything I know about raising a family, I learned from watching the Addams Family.

@DaddyJew

6: can u get me a drink?

Me: no, you’re 6yo. You can get your own drink

6: fine *goes to fridge

Me: while ur there can u grab me a beer?

@OhNoSheTwitnt

Dr: What are some of your hobbies?

“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”

Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.

@cambuslad

You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.

@sophielou

A group of us were talking about running a 5k; some are planning to power walk it, a few are going to jog at a slow pace and I thought I’m going to just skip the whole thing.

@DirtMcTurd

Press 1 for English. Press 2 for spanish. Press 1 and 2 at the same time for the latest Pitbull song