your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.
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Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.
America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.
[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police
I remember when it was just limbo dancers asking “how low can you go?”, now it seems like everyone in the news wants to answer that.
“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*
Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19
-Prime Minister
My soulmate will be a man who quietly and without judgement watches me buy yet another new plant without mentioning the dozen he’s already seen me kill that week
At my funeral, I want them to play “Thriller” and have someone that looks like me climb out of a casket, dancing.
(wins at death)
My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.
No one believes you’re just hanging around in lingerie. Go put on an oversized T shirt and yoga pants like the rest of us.
Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?
People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.
Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
Oh, you don’t have a Valentine for Valentine’s Day? I didn’t have a groundhog for Groundhog Day.
Did you even think about that??
Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.
Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.
It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
one of the funniest things tv and movies do in flashbacks is give the child version of an adult character the same haircut that the adult character currently has
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.
[baby takes its first steps]
me in a cop outfit: not even close to a straight line buddy, you’re going away for a long long time.
The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order
The year is 2073. My wife and I rest in side by side burial plots. Waking up in the middle of the night our 57yo son, for reasons beyond his understanding, digs a horizontal hole between us and gets in.
His head near his mother and his feet kicking my corpse, he sleeps.
You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir
lol – getting pizza slice and the guy in front of me (trying to banter with the cashier) is like “you made mine with extra love right” and the cashier very solemnly and Eastern European accentedly said “it’s made with normal amount pepperoni”
”This is my last chance” I whisper to myself, as we sit on the couch cuddling and I stare at that one slice of pizza left in the box