Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
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My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment
7: so those people think belle is weird because she’s walking around?
me: i guess so
7: and because she likes books?
me: um…yeah
7: but at least she’s pretty right?
me: …let’s watch moana instead
Don’t you dare flirt with me.
Yet.
Okay now.
If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?
I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.
Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?
Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’
well this is just bullshirt
If I stop talking to someone, I don’t delete them from my phone, I just change their contact info to Scam Likely
…in my purse, in my coat pocket, in the fridge, in the pantry, beside the corkscrew…
[Chapstick Season]
Please stop making sex robots, if I want to have sex I’ll do it the way God intended: By making a regular robot fall in love with me.
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
*date*
GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?
LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.
Once, when I was drunk, I threw a fan out of my bedroom window because it wouldn’t turn on.
Guess I should of plugged it in first to see why.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet
Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood
This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
Darth Vader: *chops of Luke’s hand* You underestimated what I’d do if you touched the thermostat!
Luke: Wait, you’re my dad?
Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.
[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet
If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.
*hears wife and son come home*
*suddenly remembers I was supposed to pick him up*
*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
HOT POCKET
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.