Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.

I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast

Last night I served this couple and I said “hey how are you ladies tonight?” And one said “we are great thanks” and in the thickest Jamaican accent her girlfriend stopped her and said “dont tell her I’m good. I’m never good. I’m awful. I need food immediately” obsessed with her

Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?

Me: *checks Fitbit*

IT: So you were hacked? What’s your login?

Me: KENNY…and my password is….

IT: FOOTLOOSE

Me: Wow…How did you know?

IT:

Here’s my plan. I infiltrate a therapist networking group on Facebook. I ask questions about “my client” to gather their advice. There is no client. It’s me in a cheap wig. I get free therapy from 468 professionals. I fix myself. Then I start a podcast.

I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.

My favourite school memory?
One time we were talking about different olive oils and the teacher asked what does extra virgin mean and everyone turned to look at me.

i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?

Dad: (tears in eyes) you’re going to make a fine dad someday

Son: (tears in eyes) should I make him out of wood or metal

Dad: (just bawling)

Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.

*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases

*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*

She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1

The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.

Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother

I want what they have

some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can’t even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor

My friends are talking about going to a club after dinner and drinks and while I know the time goes back tonight I didn’t realize it was going back to 2004

A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26

The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm

*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*

ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace

Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..

I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.

(Hot girl walks in)
Brain: Alright don’t panic. Tell her she has beautiful hair. No wait tell her she has beautiful legs!
Me: Hi you have beautiful hairy legs.
Brain: My bad.

No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.

Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward

Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis

Me: Hi, is this Chuck E Cheese?
How many kids do I need to have with me to be able to eat and play there?

Chuck E. Cheese: Just one

Me: *opens door to white van* Get out Rebecca I don’t need you

I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.

elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]