Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
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As spooky season approaches, my very interested toddler has been asking “WHAT HIM NAME?” when we see a skeleton or other ghoulish figure on someone’s lawn, and since “I don’t know” is unacceptable to people who are almost 3, I have been spitballing names of people I don’t like.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.
I’m going back in time to kill whoever invented the wheel so we never have to hear the phrase ‘circling back’
me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up
[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight
I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised
Me: oh no please stop stabbing me
Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this
Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
A haunted house but it’s just people making different mouth noises in every room
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
Checkmate, Flat Earthers
When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself
” What would Homer Simpson do?”
German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s
Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
My lawyer dropped his briefcase and nunchuks fell out
911: what room is the body in
me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird
Idk how we’re supposed to tell when bleu cheese has gone bad. It’s already bad. Do we just check on it periodically to see if it’s getting worse? Then one day say “this cheese is too worse” and toss it out?
just remembered my uber driver who messaged me that he had to stop for something and showed up 12 minutes late with chocolate on his face
M: I don’t regret my past. I’m far too cold and calculating for regrets.
Lawyer: Okay, so I don’t want you saying that at the trial.
I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.
Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment
[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard