Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
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Our cruise ship’s movie theater is showing Titanic. That’s a foreshadow, right?
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”
Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?
Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.
“let’s put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let’s go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars” – cops
The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.
My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him outside but I set him down and now I’m not sure which one is Simon oh no
Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.
I think tonight while my wife is asleep I’m going to pull on the satin ribbon she’s worn around her neck ever since the day I met her. What’s the worst that could happen. One lil tug
Monday again. I just knew this would happen
You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.
Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it
[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?
“The Perfect Relationship”
“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.
How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1
[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
For those who are Struggling with English:
Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo notFollow me for more advice…
I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.
at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked
[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]
I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”
The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other
Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower
Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
“Hello, 911”
Hi it’s Mickey my dog is hurt bad
“Is it Goofy or Pluto?”
I don’t see how-
“Goofy or Pluto?”
Pluto
“Call a vet” *hangs up*
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat
Friend: What’s your favourite season?
Me: Of which show?
Friend: 😐
Me: 😶
Friend: 😕
Me: 😐
Me: 👀💭
Me: Oh you meant like.. the weather.