Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
Me: yo, can we add “being a grammar nazi” to the list of sins? Their annoying.
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My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
Wife: Do you hear that super annoying sound?
Me: No, what is it? *holds breath so I can hear better*
Wife: Oh thank God, it stopped.
[after giving performance of a lifetime]
ME: I only wish… I only wish my dad could see me now
MUFFLED VOICE FROM BEHIND EXTREMELY TALL AUDIENCE MEMBER: I’m sure you did great son
I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.
[First day of dropping kids off at school]
*Hugs and crying*
Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?
Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high
Every member of my family is polite & courteous which I why our pantry has 17 boxes of cookies that contain exactly one remaining cookie
just when I started to freak out I noticed the ghost that haunts my ensuite had written “don’t panic, you ate beets last night” with lipstick on the mirror and I am so grateful to have such a good friend