I’m inventing a swaddle blanket for like 5 year olds. It’s basically a straight jacket, but with a friendly name like “The Tantrum Hug.”
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January has been Januweary
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
*finds all 7 dragonballs
*dragon appears* “WHAT IS YOUR WIS…OH GODDAMMIT CHAD, FOR THE LAST TIME I CANNOT MAKE PEOPLE RESPECT NICKELBACK”
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me
I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework
I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.
It’s not you, it’s me.
-Twins looking through old photographs.
The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot
Cave rescue is going to make an incredible movie, can’t wait to see Scarlett Johansson inspire in her role as 12 Thai boys.
me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers
her: it’s cool i don’t like music
me: ok we have 2 problems
We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.
WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.
I spilt glue on my autobiography & then accidentally sat on it. Anyway, that’s my story & I’m sticking to it.
*Walks into puppy store wearing a large trenchcoat*
*Hurries out of puppy store in a much tighter-fitting trenchcoat*
If swimming is such good exercise, explain whales
You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes
when I was 9 I thought anyone who preferred strawberry ice cream was weird and sad and now I love strawberry ice cream so I was right
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
DND allows you to play out even the most impossible fantasies, such as:
-Speaking multiple languages
-Traveling with friends
-Being Charismatic
-Waking up Early
-Having money
I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.
I don’t know what to do
My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.
[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do
I got scolded by the gyno for not being able to leave a pee sample, but if I’ve learned anything as a mom it’s to always use the bathroom before I leave home
“caramelized” is just a word chefs use if they burn things
caramelized onion
caramelized apple
caramelized todd from HR who tried to diss me
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*