Doing taxes in the 90s:
Clippy pops up
“I see you’re trying to scam the tax system. Would you like help?”
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I’m feeling weak. I’ve got chills. With Valentine’s Day so close, love is in the air. So is the flu though. I sure hope it’s the flu.
“What if kids lost all their baby teeth at once? Kid turns five and their teeth start flying out of their mouth, like popcorn in a pot without a lid?”
“I meant questions about your root canal.”
“Nah. Hook up the gas and let’s party.”
“Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party
The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.
ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??
ME: yeah, totally
[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]
ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T
Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat
[group therapy]
IAN: Hi. I’m Ian. I’m racist
[others nod]
ME: Hi. I’m Mat. I use landscape keyboard on my phone
[screaming]
[Ian pukes]
Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*
This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean
*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists
The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.
Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.
[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*[credits]
Why font matters.
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”
No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.
*picking up coins off the dance floor*
I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.
Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation
Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back
I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle
Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.
Getting a nosebleed on your period is like a ketchup sachet bursting at both ends.
Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.
“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.
And other 5am thoughts
Wife: It’s fine
*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way
ME: I played Wordle today
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Wordle is?
SON: no
ME: It’s like Mastermind but instead instead of colors it’s letters
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Mastermind is?
SON: no
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.