Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

🤣😂

Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands

Ghostbusters (1984): A large, jovial marshmallow sailor is burned alive amid the crossfire btwn humans and ethereal beings.

Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt

I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need

I jump out in front of you and open my trenchcoat, but I’m fully clothed. I start showing you the kittens I keep in the pockets. Are they wearing their own tiny raincoats? Heck yeah they are

I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe

*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*

I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.

If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?

What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?

I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter

I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.

Sloth 911: What’s your emergency

[1 week later]

Sloth: I’VE BEEN SHOT

[1 week later]

Sloth 911: DON’T MOVE! We’ll be there in a month

It was the kind of movie that kept you on the edge of your seat, waiting for something interesting to happen.

lmaaaaaooooooooo

[first date]
{don’t let him know you’re a psychic}
{don’t let her know you’re a psychic}
{we’re both psychic?}
{yeah}
{cool let’s bang}
{k}

‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’

How to get a guys attention:

1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV

Boss: What are you working on?

Me: Something I have limited time to finish.

Boss: Oh, okay. I’ll leave you to it, then.

Me: [goes back to Prime Day shopping]

Who did it better?

People say the greatest threat to humanity right now is climate change and that’s true, but if squirrels and pigeons ever team up against us it’s game over, you guys.

If you force me to attend weekly Teams staff meetings AND have my camera on then you’ll just have to tolerate my flossing.

[optometrist interrupts me] the bigger letters aren’t louder

Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.

5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?

Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question

Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.

I love when a company announces it “parted ways” with an executive, like they wistfully waved goodbye to each other at a foggy train station, instead of the guy being marched out the door by security with a box in his hands.