Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pizza Hut Employee: I’m sorry but we don’t deliver bog grass. I’m not even sure what that is.
Moose: [incoherent bellowing]

[USPS]
M: *hands change of address form*
C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.”
M: I live there now.
C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub.
M: Yay

Peter Pan’s favorite place to eat out is Wendy’s.

2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.

2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.

Them: Pain is just weakness leaving the body!

Me: Yes, but also sometimes pain is just last night’s extra hot burrito leaving the body too!!

Sometimes I have my shit together, sometimes I eat an unidentified white substance out of my hair and am grateful when it’s frosting.

Friend – Your grammar is horrible.

Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth

dog owners: their name is buddy

cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito

Had a customer accuse me of working at home (I work in a quiet office), said she could hear my wife and kids in the background. I don’t know if she’s delusional or if I should get out immediately.

[my husband turning onto our street]

“know what I think?”

husband: you don’t have to say it everytime.

“we’ve been down this road before”

“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises

I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!

british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”

There’s no “us” in nachos.

I’m going to be productive today

I’m going to be duct tiv

duct tav

duct tape

I’m going to duct tape the cat to the dog today

Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.

To borrow a biblical term, couldn’t the quest for a Covid-19 vaccine be called “the road to de-mask us?”

Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon

Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.

I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.

I apparently said “keratin” instead of “ketamine” when discussing treatment options with my psychiatrist, so the bad news is that I remain a terminal depressive, but wow, my frizz is really well controlled.

didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now

Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.

Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.

no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids

I wouldn’t eat all of the Christmas cookies if my wife didn’t leave them out in the open, under the shirts on the top shelf in the back of the closet.

I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV

A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.

GERG: She licked ur donut?

JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!

GERG: gross!

JERY: she also said she “hates america”

GERG: Donut licking traitor!

[court]
Defense lawyer: Oh great.
𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘵 judge.
Client: What’s wrong with him?
Lawyer: His name is Thoreau D. Book.