Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge

Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…

When someone asks me if my twins are natural I tell them no they’re robots.

As a kid I only had the box of 8, but now that I’m an adult I can afford to eat an entire 64-count box of crayons.

good work, everybody

What do we want?
“More existentialist jokes!”
When do we want them?
“Why?”

We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means

My Nephew called me ‘lazy’ when I took him shopping in Morrisons today.
I was so shocked I nearly fell out the trolley.

They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!

Sometimes, I think I have had enough personal embarrassment for one lifetime, but then, I’m all like, “No.”
[rises from chair]
NO.

Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them

customer: can I get a chicken cesar salad?

me: yes, but he’ll have to eat it outside since we don’t allow pets

manager: can I talk to you

My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness

[birthday shopping for Wife at Tiffany]

Me: diamond bracelet?

Clerk: $10,000

Me: cubic zirconia?

Clerk: $5,000

Me: glass?

Clerk: $2,000

Me: beaded plastic?

Clerk: $1,000

[later]

Wife: [opening present] is-is this a friendship bracelet?

Me: I made it myself : )

In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.

If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful

I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.

Cop: And yet, here we are…

[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]

“you shouldn’t let your cat jump on the counter” my cat could take out a loan in my name if he wanted to

I would be okay with a ghost in the house if every time a bathroom mirror fogged up with steam, it slowly wrote out “DID YOU LOSE WEIGHT?”

4 AM

BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there

Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?

Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.

You should be glad.

I. FORGOT.

I. FORGOT.

how to screw with your cat’s head 101

I already know how it will end…
One of my children will unplug my life support to charge their phone.

You guys, we should do a shot. I’m gonna do a shot, who wants a shot?

~my favorite guy at the bar.

Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*

me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.

receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.

@Shot_Of_Cabo @funTweeters That is how my father ended up being the only one cleaning the house. My mother hasn’t cleaned a thing in 40 years.