Texts should come with a decoder ring, because wtf do you mean by “hey…”
You Might Also Like
i often find myself insisting to my partner that i only have “normal bag stuff” in my rucksack and “yes i do need to carry around all those items”, so it pains me to say that today i found an unopened jar of roasted garlic cloves in there
Husband: *gently taps me on the shoulder before l’ve had my first cup of coffee*
Me:
ME: people only use 10% of their brains
FRIEND: that’s an urban legend
ME: no it’s not. my grandma told it to me, and she lives on a farm
People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”
waiter: is something wrong
me: what asshole serves quinoa with a burger
waiter: sir, don’t hate the plater…
me: oh no
waiter: hate the grain
It’s fair to say that in the event of a bear attack, my kids would be safe with me. I’d never be able to outrun the little buggers, and there’s more than enough snacking on me to sate even the hungriest ursine.
Volunteer firefighter battles a house fire until 2 am and still goes to work at 6am.
Me: Wakes up at 7 am and contemplates whether to use a smiling or grinning emoji.
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.
Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed
Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?
My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket
Saw online –
“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri
I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.
A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.
Me: *reading article about woman with brain worm* “Oh my god, gross!”
My brain worm: “I know! Yuck!”
Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.
my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo
[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?
Siri just told me that traffic is light and I can make it home in 7 minutes. I am home. Where tf does she think we’re at right now.
Him: When I told you the chicken was good, I lied.
Me: That’s okay. I lied when I said it was chicken.