Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.

Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.

“If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you-“

*interrupting* haha, he said prick

Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your mother

Dog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE

I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”

Whoever robbed the archery store, take a bow.

“My fellow Americans-”
Barack
“we are working tirelessly-”
Sir
“to make sure-”
Barack. You’re still wearing ur xbox headset

me: did you know there’s a complex named after you

oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?

me:

oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?

God making Khaki

God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down

Angel: Nice!

G: But it shows every pee drip

A: Hilarious!

Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose

Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.

[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.

ME: So listen, if we pay a little extra, can we have the baby in color, instead of black-and-white?
ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN: Sir, I’m gonna explain this one more time…

[hotel room]

Her: why are you making the bed

Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen

63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe

*Text alert*
Freddy Krueger: “Hey you up?”
Me: “Yup”
Freddie Krueger: “Damn.😢”

You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!

Canadian Oneupmanship

[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right

I like to think I’m smart

Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground

Therapist: How’s your narcissism?

Much better I thin…*sees my ex walking by* [opens window] HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE I BROKE UP WITH YOU!”

The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.

Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.

I told my vodka about you.

In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”

I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.

Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.

Typos is the Greek god of spelling errors

When I was a kid I assumed all Christmas songs were about Jesus because that was all I was exposed to so everytime I heard Last Christmas I was like…why would Jesus do that

I refuse to be controlled by a calendar so happy birthday to me today

Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?

Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.