Texts should come with a decoder ring, because wtf do you mean by “hey…”
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Mom: Where’s your brother?
Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes
Mom: Mosh?
Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]
Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?
Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.
Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around
the sky opens up and meteors begin crashing into the earth. dust and debris fly everywhere. “SORRY EVERYONE” this is obviously my fault. of course the apocalypse would happen today. i just had to wear my brand new white pants
me: why do i feel terrible
brain: coffee is not a food group
brain: eat a vegetable
brain: sleep
me: guess we’ll never know
brain: oh my god
every man in east london
Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.
My husband found me lying on the sofa and said the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.
Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.
When I’m good I’m great. When I’m not good I’m the piano falling out of the window of people
*gets hit by car*
me: it’s ok buddy can happen to anyone*friend says I’ll call you right back and doesn’t*
me: there can be no forgiveness for this
Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.
Gravestone inscription “Hey guys, I’m going to be taking a little break from social media”
This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.
birds: it’s so peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*
“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”
If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real
if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
[Blue whale documentary]
This monster can eat 40 million fish in a day.Whale looking directly into the camera: Yeah I’m kind of a foodie.
How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow
I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but America literally invented pizza and pasta. Italy is now trying to appropriate our culture and I won’t stand for it. Last I checked Little Caesars is headquartered in Detroit, not Davos.
🎶Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me🎶
SECRET SOCIETY OF WORLD ROLLERS: Who talked?!
~At a snowboarding store.
Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.
Me: i know
Him:…
Me: Wait, what, oh the board…
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall