Texts should come with a decoder ring, because wtf do you mean by “hey…”
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ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies
mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich
I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: hi grayfish
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: u said that already
GOLDFISH: said what
*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”
The Compass
Call your boring friend Simon, “Sighmon” he’ll never know the difference and you can laugh about it with your cool bros over beers.
VENOM: Time to meet your maker!
SPIDER-MAN: The radioactive spider?
VENOM: No, like-
SPIDER-MAN: My dad? Cuz he’s dead. Wow, ur a douche.
Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.
Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”
*plugs phone into charger*
“You like that huh?”
I almost died last night. I woke up at 3am and MY FOOT WAS HANGING OFF THE EDGE OF THE BED. NOT EVEN UNDER THE COVERS.
*Steve Carell washes hands*
*Steve Purell*
me: god grant me the serenity
god: no ❤️
I wish forks had three prongs instead of four. I’d feel so powerful eating with a miniature trident. I want to dominate my food, not give it acupuncture.
My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.
He’s 21 and home for the summer.
It doesn’t get better.
In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.
I love lifting but it’s so embarrassing that I’ve become a gym bro like, my parents told me I’m gonna hurt myself lifting and drinking preworkout and I was like “well I’d rather die as a lion than live as a sheep.” Wtf? I need to shut up like who do I think I am
Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.
my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.
I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.
The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
Years ago my wife and I were on an early date in a Chinese restaurant when a guy came over and said to me: “Can you shut up? You’ve got a very loud voice”. I said: “My girlfriend has very poor hearing. Isn’t that right?” And to her enormous credit she replied: “WHAT?”
I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.
The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
[CPR dummy coming home from work]
WIFE: is that lipstick on your face? who’s been *does the air quotes gesture* ‘resuscitating’ you today huh?
DUMMY: for the last time Carol it’s my job
I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”