Texts should come with a decoder ring, because wtf do you mean by “hey…”
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me: this water is not hydrating me.
wife: that’s because it’s tequila.
me: that explains why I’m naked
target cashier:
The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.
5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
My daughter told me to go put on an Elsa cape (from frozen) and when I told her I didn’t have one she said very threateningly “well then you’d better get one”. It’s like I’m raising a little disney obsessed tony soprano
Same post same
If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.
Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
My 11 y/o daughter just casually told me she wants to start a company where people can order bacon, ham and sausage delivered to their house and call it “Hamazon.” This is why the world has billionaires.
JUDGE: I find you guilty of murder. Sentenced to life.
LAWYER: But it was only 20 minutes of murder.
JUDGE: Oh, then you’re free to go.
cave of wonders: only one may enter here
aladdin: abu has to wait outside?
cave of wonders: oh, pets don’t count
abu: *steals*
cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT
I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
Sleep is the body’s best safety mechanism. It keeps you from screwing things up for 8 hours.
“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.
That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.
With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.
Sure, I’ll come to your party
*hangs out with the Roomba when I see they have no pets
Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR DOG: I’m totally cool with that. I love you.
******************
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR CAT: Me too.
One of my stuffed animals just told me I should get back on my meds, I guess someone doesn’t want to be part of tea party club anymore.
Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.
Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
BABY: WAAAAAAA-
ME: Shhhh, it’s okay.
BABY: -AAAAAAAA-
ME: shhhh….
BABY: -AAAAAALUIGI!
ME: wtf
BABY: (whispering) No one will believe you.
I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.
No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
[First day at the fortune cookie factory]
Me: Boss, I got this order for 10k cookies boxed and ready to go.
Boss: That’s Incredible, it’s normally a week long job!
Me: Yeah, I worked real hard because you left me all these inspirational little notes.
[My Last day at the factory]
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.
[This zoom meeting I’m in right now]
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone: