Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HER: tell me about yourself
ME: I have a cat
H: cute
M: he likes music
H: cool
M: we’re in a band
H: weird
M: called Mewtallica
H: ok bye

Stop sending me this shit.

*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*

You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car

Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.

Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?

Me: I got fired?

Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.

I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries

*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?

DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.

I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.

Boeing astronauts this morning trying to book a return trip with Uber

Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.

me: let’s change your diaper

2: oh, no. I couldn’t possibly. I’m late setting up my pacifier scavenger hunt. I must dash!

just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4

Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.

Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy

Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.

Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.

Me: If there was a fire and you could only save me or the cat, who would you save?

Her:

Me:

Her: I feel like you’ve had a good run.

My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.

In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.

hate the questions they ask you when you go through customs. “do you have any friends in canada” no bro and why are you rubbing it in

My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.

My first day in hell I accidentally bump into the meteor that killed the dinosaurs in the cafeteria. Everyone gasps. Satan drops his fork.

*watches Beauty and the Beast*

*looks at dirty dishes in sink*

WASH YOURSELVES AND SING TO ME!

squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”

Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.

[home alone]

murderer: [creeping up behind me]

me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!

murderer: [pauses] what kind?

I hate when people say “ the bug is more scare of you than you are of it”. DID THE BUG TELL YOU THAT ?!