Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn’t look like we’re six days into battling a poltergeist.

She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”

Her: OMG you’re alive!!! I heard you bought the farm!

ME: No no, I bought “a” farm.

HER: but I told everyone you’re dead!

ME: That’s fine

Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.

“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”

What do we want?

A CURE FOR PARANOIA

When do we want it?

WHO WANTS TO KNOW

Whoever came up with the name parking garage really nailed it.

ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?

HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.

Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.

She uses her boyfriends toothbrush without his knowledge and wears his underwear every day….I eat a dog biscuit ONCE and I’M the weirdo???

If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you

babies ‍ gremlins
‍🤝

getting wet after midnight makes more

It never fails: whenever I’m at a crime scene, analyzing blood spatter and bullet trajectories, someone always assumes I’m a CSI.

There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug

I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.

My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.

falsely accusing someone of being a contrarian is absolutely brutal. what can they say to that

I can’t touch my face so I’ve been letting the cats apply and remove my makeup. They’re getting pretty good at it.

I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.

son: what’s that one?

me: the orion constellation

son: and that one?

me: that’s the big dipper

son: and what’s that?

me: that’s my 3 star review, immortalized in the sky to forever remind god of his mistakes

This all goes a lot faster in the movies.

“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila

Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.

Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*

*trying to start a tickle fight

[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back

[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think

Hypothetically speaking if someone wanted to feed their enemies to a tiger where would I… I mean where would one acquire a vicious extra carnivorousy tiger?

I love when my cat sighs at me, like what’s got you stressed out my little freeloading homicidal maniac

When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”

And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….

Keep moving.

Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.