[Texts to 14]
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
[Reply]
OMG DAD WAT?
[Text]
Hi
You Might Also Like
I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.
<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado
Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.
Dr.: Very well. Just relax..
*puts bow on Pacman’s head
America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.
Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE
Me: Did we get a bunch of new cups?
Wife: No. Our daughter brought them all down from her room.
genie: please no
millipede: more legs
Thinking about getting real into bonsai trees. It seems like an expensive hobby that I’ll lose interest in almost immediately, which is right in my wheelhouse
TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:
1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
5. pie
When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.
And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?
This guy at the bar wouldn’t shut up about how Zombies “could be real”
So I killed him…
If he comes back…He wins the argument
*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*
I have 2 kids?!
Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older
How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?
Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”
Me, to myself: you are your harshest critic and no one else will notice your face is breaking out
3: Mommy! Is that a pimple? Is that a pimple? Wow, you have so many pimples! They’re everywhere!
In truth, spiders are harmless*
*Save for a few species whose venom reprograms your immune system to tell your body to eat its own organs.
I tweet with an abundance of sexual undertones like I’m not a huge blusher with absolutely no game whatsoever.🤭
interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?
God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans
I don’t mean to brag, but I don’t need to buy a new Tamagotchi. The one I got in 1997 is not only still alive, but it’s healthier than I am.
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.
*wants space*
*eats Milky Way*
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb
@ConanOBrien My friend is an EMT and would do well at Trivia Mornings because…you guessed it…she is a first responder.
[ interview at funeral home ]
director: are you ok being around death
me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes