Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.

computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up

[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up

I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..

My kid has stolen my heart. And my sleep. Aaaaand my snack.

I was talking to someone and combined “all good” and “no worries” by saying “all worries”. Which was a lot more accurate.

My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds

As someone with extensive IT experience, I can almost guarantee the AT&T outage yesterday was over some certificate expiring somewhere and nobody knowing how to regenerate it because Carl got laid off seven years ago and the only machine with the keys decommissioned in 2019.

celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop

sorry I’m late. I tripped on my cat and so had to kiss him for 45 minutes

“Oh, Monster TRUCK rally. Haha of course…”
*Frankenstein slowly backs out of the room, hiding a 24 pack of condoms behind his back*

I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.

Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”

Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles

Why is it so humiliating when you’re browsing clothes in store and an item falls off the hanger, and when you try and put it back on it’s like you’ve never used a clothes hanger before in your life

PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]

[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS

The Fast & The Furious 10: Now They All Work At AutoZone Together

cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
–
[jesus whistles innocently]

The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole

Them: what’s your sign?
Me: exhausted potato

Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house

Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.

WHAT I SAY: that’s one way of looking at it

WHAT I MEAN: in the history of stupid things said by stupid people, what just came out of your mouth is, by far, the stupidest. If there were stupidity trophies, yours would be gold plated and set atop a plinth reading STUPID.

When I practise my stand-up in front of the mirror I have to remember to pause after each joke and imagine the laughter. It’s good practice for when I’m performing in front of an audience and I have to pause after each joke and imagine the laughter

I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.

Thanks YouTube

I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.

What’s a second date like?

COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP

OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles

COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP

OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude

COP: Just go. I give up.

My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.

God: you’re a llama.

Llama: I look ridiculous.

God: why do you say that?

Llama: I look like a giraffe made love to a sheep.

God: that’s not true.

Llama: i’m a giraffe sheep : (

God: [under breath] more like a drama llama.